How To Deal With A Cheating Spouse

How To Deal With A Cheating Spouse – When It’s Your Wife!

Almost every day I get guys writing in to me, asking me how to deal with a cheating spouse – specifically, their cheating wife.

Wh

en our spouse cheats, it creates the most difficult emotional experience we will ever face… in our ENTIRE lives.

I know that pain. I’ve been there personally.

So if your spouse cheated – if your wife betrayed you – and your emotions are overwhelming, but you still love your wife and you want to save your marriage if you can, then you’re in the right place.

My name is Kevin Jackson and I help guys like you every day.

Here’s what one guy recently wrote to me:

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QUESTION FROM A READER
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Hi Kevin,

I am really just a dam diaster right now, my entire world has just crumbled with in the last 2 weeks after 20 years, my intuitions un-fortunately were totally correct and I’m
trying to find the stregenth to stay cool, calm and collected (Boy is that a mouthful). I am just in total shock and complete dispair that she could do this to me.

I look forward to reading your book, I hope it can help me.

I really have no close friends to talk to, or would I ever want any of them to look at my wife that way, maybe a shrink I don’t know right now my thoughts are just a scatered flippin mess. I am definately a super pleaser to my own discust, but the guilt finally got her to come clean, it’s got to be tough to look at someone straight in the face knowing the bullshit you have been doing behind my back.

Anyway,

Thanks for your response,
Cliff

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MY RESPONSE
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Hey Cliff,

Couple of things…

First off, nice job trying to keep your cool and not do something you’ll later regret… but it’s also super important to give yourself permission to GRIEVE.

As I say in my book, there’s nothing shameful about getting a good cry in.

I remember when I was going through my dark times, one day I walked into my therapist’s office, sat on the couch, and just started sobbing.

It was actually a good thing.

A bad thing is stuffing down your emotions. That can drive you INSANE. Instead, when the time is right, let your feeling flow.

(Women are obviously better than this than men – they’re naturals. Experts suggest this is one reason why women have less stress related heart disease than men – it’s because women relieve their stress through their tears.)

Next, you’re doing a great job learning more about yourself through this process. You’ve already learned that you have a pattern of “Pleasing.” I talk a lot about this in my eBook.

But watch out for judging yourself so harshly that you “disgust” yourself. Millions of married guys have a history of Pleasing too much – myself included. You’re in good company… lol… so don’t get too down on yourself.

You also said it must be hard for her to look you in the face after doing what she did. This is called having “empathy” for your wife, and it’s a big step in the right direction, so good job.

When a man who has been betrayed by his wife can see things from her perspective and even have compassion for what SHE is going through, it helps her be less defensive… which in turn helps us get to the bottom of things, get compassion and remorse from her, etc. In other words…

IT HELPS US GET WHAT WE WANT.

Just make sure you balance your empathy for your wife with empathy for YOURSELF… and make sure she’s giving you empathy as well. Her infidelity sure as hell shouldn’t be all about HER feelings and how bad she feels now.

Don’t let her twist things around on you. Many women try.

Good luck.

And if YOU are reading this article right now and your wife cheated, but you still love her and you want to save your marriage if you can… but you’re having a hard time with it
(like most guys), then the most important thing you can do right now is to get a free copy of my special report, “The 7 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Wives Cheat.”

Most men make mistakes that make things even WORSE, push their wife further away, and make saving their marriage even harder. Get my free report right now so you avoid these mistakes and get on the path of saving your marriage and getting your sanity back.

Just enter your email in the box below.

Talk soon,
Kevin Jackson
Author of the best-selling “Survive Her Affair” eBook

“Wow I wish I had found this site in October. My wife of 17 yrs had a summer long affair with an old high school friend she found on Facebook. I have never been a jealous or snooping kind of guy but I had a feeling. So… I went back through here Yahoo archives and found out everything. It’s been 3 months since I’ve confronted her and I’m still in the “pissed off” stage. My kids are the only reason I’m even trying… to work this out. Thank you for your 7 steps.” – Michael



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31 Responses to How To Deal With A Cheating Spouse

  1. mark says:

    After my wife cheated we seperated for a year, got back together and 2yrs later had a child and after 6yrs of being together I still get nightmares. I hatr how I feel and wish to get better

  2. Wes says:

    My wife of 7 years just told me she had a one-night stand with one of her best friend’s husband. They work together and she said that he showed interest in her, which led to her mistake. She says she immediately regretted it, and claims it was a one-time mistake. I want to believe her, and she came clean to me. I didn’t suspect it, although maybe I should have. We have 2 small children together, so for their sake especially I want to try to work this out. Not sure where to begin. She says she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it through this, and I feel like she is telling me the truth. Just typing this out seems to help some, get it off my chest. Don’t want to talk to friends about it, don’t want them to look at her in that light. Just frustrated and not sure what to do? Confused and hurt. Thanks for the forum.

    • Jerry Reese says:

      I’m with you brother, typing this out really helps and at one point we men are going to have to man up and accept it. Its tough but you have to ask yourself is she worth it. and if your answer is yes then you just answered yourself and do it.

  3. Liz says:

    I recently had a fling with a man that works in the same building as I do. I enjoyed the intimacy and gentle way he made love to me. He spoke to me, expressed his longing and feelings while we were bedding. He wanted to know how I felt while we were making love and he shared what he was feeling and was very affectionate. It was a complete change from the normal kiss to sex without a single word or caress. I am reading up on this forum to see how he may react when I tell him. I have to be honest about why I did it – Not sexually or emotionally satisfied. Telling could open him up to explore more with me or he could leave me. We don’t have children but we have been married for 10.

    • CN says:

      Actually, you may be assuming after your disclosure that he will be leaving, but it may be you instead. Be forewarned.

    • Dear John says:

      Dear Liz,
      Please think long and hard before you talk to your husband about your
      infidelity. It won’t be like the women’s magazines advice column fantasy, where you have a tearful, heartfelt reconciliation, followed by an improvement in his bedside manner. The most likely outcome is that he will go ballistic, have an emotional meltdown, and do something rash. If he’s an alpha male, he’ll want to kill your boyfriend (and maybe you, too), and if he’s a beta male he will want to kill himself. Your love life and marriage will go from bad to catastrophic. You will end up estranged and eventually divorced, and not amicably either.

      Why do you feel the need to inflict this emotional pain on your man? The last thing in the world that any man wants to hear is that he wife had sex with another man. You’re the one that committed the indiscretion so you should bear the responsibility for making an authentic resolution of your dilemma. Confess to a therapist or a pastor. Do not talk with your friends or family. You may decide that you need to move on. Keep the lid on this shameful episode, and do not spread it around to where he will eventually have to confronted with it by a friend or relative. Take it from a guy: do not tell him about the affair. You will bring untold suffering on him and you will not get the “improvements” you fancy.

      The ball is in your court. You need to decide whether you still want to be married and if so, then set out to get what you want from your husband. Illicit sex does not leave any visible red marks on your body, so there is no need to tell your husband, unless you have been indiscrete and told other people in your circle who might get back to him. Then you’ll have to beat them to the punch, and make your confession. That’s a burden that you’ll have bear in private. Otherwise, leave it alone!

      Many a man throughout the ages has sat up late by the fire and wondered how they got a red-headed child, but no one ever said a word, and life went on. There is no magic in cutting a man’s balls off with an cruel, selfish and unnecessary confession that will only destroy his self-confidence, and forever lose his trust. Yeah, and stop reading that crap in Cosmo. That’s not how the real world works.

  4. Ryan Estes says:

    Im not sure how far my wife went with another man. She says it was just talkin but part of me doesnt believe that. We have been married goin on 13 years and have 5 kids. I still love my wife and weve talked and are tryin to work things out. Ive never cheated dont joke bout it or even look at another woman and think bout it. I look but dont touch which is what anyone would do male or female. But anyways im havin a problem gettin over that lil portion that I dont believe that it was just talkin. Ive done a lot of things in the past as far as an unfit husband, father,& provider. I think thats what has pushed her to someone else but she was still wrong. I just not sure how to push past this.weve talked about gettin help but cant afford that and I really dont have anyone I can or would want to go to.

    • anthony says:

      I’m also not sure how far my wife went with this other guy. ..we all work together..and this a guy she has had some history with. ..I caught her heading in the direction of his office that’s located in a secluded part of the basement…she initialy
      lied..then she admitted to going to pick up something.but I’m having a hard time believing her …what should I do..

  5. Fili Raceva says:

    My wife recently returned from a 6 week holiday and confessed that she had a 1 night stand after being drinking with another man. She did not know anything about him and the worse thing is she finally told me after the 3rd night. I am angry and scared because i feel she might have caught a STI. We have decided to get tested and will fully forgive her only if the tests come back clean. We have 3 kids and have been married for 7 years. I have found this site useful as i have no one else to talk to about it. Thank you.

  6. Brunon says:

    I just found on fb that my wife will meet with some guy in couple days and they will have sex. I love my wife and I want prevent this from happening. I don’t know how to do it tho. The easiest way would be to confront them but I wonder if anybody knows of another way. I’m devasted.

    • Houston says:

      I think you should confront her about this issue. Also, you both should go to counseling to learn to express your emotions appropriately but get the issue of the problem in your marriage. The emotional and likely physical cheating is a byproduct of this marital problem.

      Remember, you cannot control her but only you can control what you.

      If she fails to stop the cheating and fails to go yo counseling, I recommend that you do individual counseling and start the divorce proceedings.

      At some point, you have to take a stand against something that is wrong.

      Stay strong, pray to God and speak to a good friend or family member to help you cope!

      With regards,

      Divorced man of 3 years

  7. Steve K says:

    Sorry folks, but I have little encouragement to give. I just found out that my lady of 9 years went out on me with a total loser. Now be forewarned, there is still another side to the coin and I haven’t seen it on any website. I keep reading all the reasons that women go out with another man and they are valid. But here’s yet another reason,pity! Yes good old fashioned pity! She told me he laid a convincing sob story on her and over a few weeks time she wanted to “help” him. Can you believe that bullshit? So it came down to “I’m having a rough time and a shot of ass will cure me!”Some of the guys know exactly what I’m talking about don’t you? My cure? She’s out! Done! I’m taking back my life and sanity. Because I know it’s just a matter of time before she finds another pitiful loser and the games begin yet again. Am I bitter? You better believe it. Am I hurt? Damn right!

  8. lhadro says:

    I have recently found out that my wife of 15 years has met online her first love. They started chatting from facebook, wechat app. Starting with some formal conversation, they went deep in their relationship to the extent that they exchanged some intimate images in messages. I also found out that every time in my absence from home or when she goes out, they start messaging and continuing their close relationship behind my back. One day, I caught red-handed a message from the man and she read it and deleted in front of me despite being requested to allow me to see the message. My doubt spilled then and confronted her and demanded explanation. She confessed and cried that she will not repeat and sworn and promised that we will have a normal happy life. Hours later, I had to go and again I found out that she is cheating again with private messaging. I later told her that this is not working and I am going to go away. We have four kids. Her mind and soul is somewhere else. But she threatened me of committing suicide if I leave her and even feigned unconsciousness after I caught everything red handed. I love her so much, but now its difficult to trust her. What shall I do. I don’t want to leave her and she also wants to continue with me and stop everything that she is doing behind my back. Please advice. I am no longer confident with our relationship.

  9. matthew wesselink says:

    I want to save my marriage. my wife betrayed me and cheated on me while I was deployed and she knew during that time I was already having horrible problems in the deployment. we both want to work it out. I hope we can be saved.

  10. Help Him says:

    My wife of 11 1/2 months recently cheated on me with a friend from who knows how long. I recently found a picture of her private area in her phone. I confronted her about it and she told me the guys name. She apologized for it and for the last month I have been loosing my mind. How can I get over this situation after all we do have a newborn daughter so I normally want to fix this situation please help!

    • pramod says:

      hi friends, i facing same situation i am from india, i also have to dauughters
      i loose my confindence my head is compleltely hang

  11. Joseph says:

    I recently noticed my wife is cheating on me.. i am not my self again..am trying all my best to get over it, but this is really affecting my emotions and work …Pls what can i do ?

  12. Mr wright says:

    On New Year’s Eve I discovered a text on my wife of five years phone that she had been cheating on my for months with a friend of mine, when I confronted her she lied about any intimacy with him, when I confronted him he was very upfront about the multiple times she took a taxi over to his place. After I got thru punishing my self and trying to please her I don’t know if I can trust her she said that due sees the torment she put me thru and wants to be by my side and support me. I don’t know if I can trust her , and I think I might just be scared to be alone after so long she has always been my best friend and confident. I am lost and my anxiety keeps me up most night I’m barely functional and my employer (brother) is starting to notice my last of confidence and enthusiasm, she said that she might just want more or different partners as a younger couple but I see red when she says that I’m a very monogamous person and have always pictured myself with 1 wife and kids but now I don’t know what to do with myself. Everything’s falling apart. To make it worse the guy is telling all of our friends about what happened an I might just have to kill him…

  13. A says:

    Just getting to start the process am searching for that free book. The affair is now hot and on going I have all evidence but she has denied.

  14. Drew Jeffers says:

    Looking forward to reading this for the help.

  15. Robert Johnson says:

    My wife and I have been married for 2 years we have been dealing with sexual related issues along the lines of physical pain during sex I am the only man she has ever felt this with. She admitted to me that she cheated on me while I was in the field ( I’m in the marine corps) her reasoning was she wanted to know if it was just with me she felt this way. I’m so lost I’m angry sad hurt betrayed I don’t know what to feel. I can’t imagine my life without her. But I can’t even close my eyes with out picturing it

  16. j says:

    my wife of 10 years cheated on me, I suspected as much for years. When I finally used her phone an texted her lover and found out the truth I died inside. This has completely ruined my life I don’t look at her the same it is always in my mind and I think about it every day even now two years later, but I go on like life is perfect because I love her and our kids. I hope that one day I will be able to let it go but I see no end in site. She says it was only one time but I don’t believe it was one time and has happened multiple times. All im saying is this is something that will eat at you for the rest of your life and will never go away so get used to it

  17. RJAY says:

    My wife cheated on me. I just found out some incriminating text messages which lead me to suspect that something was going on with her and her officemate. At first she flatly denied all the texts but I persisted. I investigated and succeeded in getting the info I want. I confronted the male culprit (after some threats and what have yous) and he admitted to me that he had intimate relationship with my wife. I felt that my world just crumbled, I cannot think, I cannot move. I dont know what to do. I just cant take this anymore. My wife is asking forgiveness for the sake of our kids. But im still hurt. She’s begging me to forgive her and to forget what had happened. I just dont know how I could trust her again. But I love her and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

  18. paulo says:

    My wife fell attracted with a guy at work and they been meeting. I think there was no sex between them but she loves the guy. When I found out I was devastated and after 3 weeks I’m still a mess. We talked about it and she wants it’s to be happy. Either with me or the other guy but she feels so confused and can’t make up her decision. We talked and decided to try to work things out specialy because of the kids but also I need to make her feel more loved.

  19. Jose says:

    We’ll this past Friday my wife of 4 years finally told me that she had been having a rerelationship with this other guy. I suspected as much since she was ganna most parts of the day, she wwouldn’t let me near her phone and what acting really shady around me. I am going crazy here, I close my eyes and all I can see is that image in my head of her been with someone else. I love her so much. I want to be with her. I told her that I want to just forget this ever happen and let’s just go back to how this were before this. But she says that right now she doesn’t know if she wants to be with me. That if she loved me she would have done that. I don’t know what to do. I want to work things out I feel like it’s this is my fault this happen.

  20. pramod says:

    Dear sir
    i am facing my wife repeated cheating problem, kindly help

    • Ken says:

      Pramod,

      You have to stand up for yourself and demand that the cheating stops completely. No contact what so ever with the cheater. If she is un able to or refuses to, then you must move on. Pursue a divorce.

  21. Kevin Visser says:

    After nearly 23 years of being together with my wife, I recently found out that she was cheating on me with her ex boyfriend from highschool. He himself is going through a divorce and sought out my wife to rekindle what they had 25 years ago. Father’s Day morning I riled over to hug and kiss my wife, she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce! She said she wasn’t happy and not in love.. This completely killed me. So for the past couple months I have been doing everything I could to change our relationship and fix our marriage. We went to marriage counseling and she was so dead set on not working it out. I asked if she was seeing anyone and in particular, her ex and she denied it. She has been going away every other weekend to “her girlfriends house” to just get away and take a break. In reality she was meeting him at a beach house. She lied to my face. She lied to our boys faces. She chose to be with this guy instead of her family! That sad thing is my younger son and his daughter are in the same grade and the same school. He actually lives 2 min from my house. I am completely shocked and disgusted with her. Months, I’ve been begging and pleading to work it out and this whole time she was with him. She could have been honest from the beginning and told me. She would have saved me so much pain and suffering and she chose not to. I found out about it by checking her FB account messages tues night while she went running with her girlfriend / neighbor. I am still Madly in love with her but I can never forgive her for this disgusting act of betrayal! Especially bc it was with him. The one person in the world she knew I despised! This is the absolute worst thing she could have done to me. She says we were getting a divorce before she hooked up with him but that’s a lie. We didn’t even talk about divorce. Even if we did, we are still married. So cheating is cheating. If you wouldn’t do it while I was standing there, it is cheating! I will never forgive her for this, never. She has to live with the fact that she lied to her sons and husband to go have sex! Funny thing is her ex used to cheat on her and mentally abuse her. That’s who she decides to go back with? I talked to his soon to be wife. She told me that’s the reason they were getting divorced, he was cheating and mentally abusing her! I love her and I miss her but I can never forgive her!! Never!

  22. Lawrence says:

    I’ve been married to my wife for almost 30 years and have raised 4 children together, however, in the past 10 years due to health issues on my part the intimacy became both infrequent and less satisfying to both of us. The doctors would just say that it was just one of those things that couldn’t be remedied in my case. The love was and is still there, but at some point, she decided she needed physical closeness. After she talked to her therapist, they, her therapist and her, decided it would be better for her to find her ‘satisfaction’ elsewhere. I was not consulted, informed, or even considered in this solution as according to the therapist I was ‘irrelevant’ in her emotional health. She’s had numerous affairs since then, sometimes staying away for up to months at a time. She knows that it hurts me emotionally but when I voice my disapproval she says it’s ‘just sex and besides I’ve basically got a prescription from my doctor to do this.’. I won’t give her a divorce and I’m considering taking action against the therapist. I warn those wanting marriage counseling to seek out ‘result centered’ counselors who strive to repair relationships instead of the overwhelming number of ‘outcome neutral’ therapists who have no goal as to outcome and generally advise the partners to do whatever they feel like doing and if the other spouse doesn’t like it too bad.

  23. Greg says:

    I recently caught my wife of 26yrs with another man, she firstly denied but later admitted on having an affair with his co-worker for the past 8months and had sex with him. We have 2 kids who I love dearly, so I forgave her for the sake of keeping my family, but deep down in me I know I am devastated, I can’t erase the images of her in bed with another man, and every time I look at her I feel resentment and I’ve tried to inflict pain to this guy and she stopped me
    Funny thing is I want this guy to feel the worst pain ever and I promised myself I will not rest until I got even and maybe I will feel better

    • Dear John says:

      Greg,

      Don’t go to jail. You won’t feel any better, trust me. Where is your wife in all this? If she is remorseful, she would be helping you to heal. I’ve hear from guys who told their wife that as a proof that they love you more than the other guy, they need to accompany you when you confront him in a place where you won’t have to worry about having the cops called. Bring a section of rubber hose, and corner him with your wife right behind you. Don’t cause any permanent damage, because then you will do time. Slap him around with the three foot section of hose, once you’ve got him in a corner. Talk sh*t as you humiliate him repeatedly, while you wife talks smack about his dick size behind you. When you have dominated him to the point of submission, have your wife spit on him as you both leave together. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself and her after that episode. (Warning: don’t try this on gun freaks. That requires another technique.)
      Dear John

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