Your Wife Cheated – Here’s A Common But Deadly Mistake To Avoid…

Your Wife Cheated – Here’s a Common But Deadly Mistake To Avoid…

Dear Friend,

So you find out your wife cheated.

And your entire world is upside down.

Everything you thought you knew about your wife, marriage – hell, about LIFE itself – it’s all up in the air.

You’re emotionally devastated.

It’s the most F*CKED UP you’ve ever been in your entire life… pardon my french.

Yes?

I know because I’m right with you, brother.

I’ve been through it myself.

When I found out my wife had sex with another guy… man, did I suffer. And man did I make some BIG TIME mistakes…

And looking back, I think I have some perspective that I can share with you… that’ll help you avoid the common mistakes guys make when they find out their wife screwed – or is screwing – some other guy.

(Or some other asshole, that’s probably a more accurate description, yes?)

When most guys are in the stage I call “Stage 2: Shock and Awe” (I’ve discovered 4 distinct stages men go through) their emotions are all over the place.

Which is totally understandable.

Hell, how could we not be screwed up on the inside when going through this crap?

The problem comes when we start making DECISIONS during this time when we’re all screwed up.

Decisions like whether to stay or go.

Decisions like starting to drink more than you normally do.

Decisions like how to handle your anger or pain.

You get my point.

It’s easy to get sucked into seeing the world through the emotionally-charged “lens” we wear during this time traumatic time.

It’s an easy mistake to make… but deadly.

We need to practice stepping back for a second, realize we’re not thinking straight, and commit to ourselves not to make any big decisions until our feelings start to even out.

When you do, you’ll avoid turning your wife’s affair into an event that causes your entire life to go into a tailspin. (which is what most guys do)

Instead, you’ll make decisions when you’re back on solid ground in your inner world…

… and those decisions will be damn-smart.

So right now, take 10 seconds and say to yourself, “I’m emotionally jacked up right now, so I commit to myself to do the thing a mature man would do… and not make any big decisions for now.”

Cool.

Listen, I put up this blog to help guys like us who are going through infidelity in our marriages.

So let me know you read this – hell, I DARE you – and comment below.

Then go grab yourself a free copy of my free report “The 7 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Wives Cheat.”

It goes into way more detail than this article – go grab it now… just enter your email.

Talk soon - Kevin Jackson

“I read your 7 mistakes. I just wanted to thank you for putting that on the internet. I feel better and I know I have a roller coaster ride though hell. I know I will be stronger once I pass hell and turn into a stronger person. Thank you again. You are a good man to help people after what you went through. Maybe one day I can help people like you have helped me.” - Bill, Australia

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94 Responses to Your Wife Cheated – Here’s A Common But Deadly Mistake To Avoid…

  1. Steve says:

    Heard/saw your video…. I can’t think straight. I never saw it coming because I could NEVER do that to my wife. It is core for me, you don’t betray your spouse. If you are unhappy, try to fix it. If you can’t fix it, get out; but, NEVER EVER start another relationship while in a marriage. I can’t stop picturing them together and she won’t even fully admit the depth of the affair. She is so worried about what everyone else thinks. She is defiant or indifferent – hell, which is worse. BTW, he was my best friend, they knew I could not see it…. I want to be happy again, I can’t see how to get there. Anything you can do to help…. Thanx, SHT

    • admin says:

      Hey Stephen,

      Yeah, as much as it sucks, people are most likely to cheat within their social circle… meaning co-workers, family, and friends… even BEST friends.

      Not thinking straight – normal.

      Never saw it coming – normal.

      Can’t stop picturing it – hella normal.

      Yes, you will be happy again. It feels like you won’t, but you will. It will take time, and requires you not making stupid decisions right now that’ll create longer-term bad consequences.

      There is no magic pill – but don’t believe the thoughts that are telling you you’ll never be “normal” again. You will. In fact, you will be BETTER than normal eventually.

      I know you never thought in a million years it would happen to you, but the “my wife cheated with my best friend” thing has happened to THOUSANDS of men throughout the ages. You’re not alone.

      Sign up for my free report if you haven’t already – it outlines the mistakes you need to avoid right now.

      - Kevin Jackson

      • Bres says:

        She is still doing it. She thinks I’m stupid. It’s all on her twiter account which 2 days ago she said “I never do tweets”, and I look and she was there yesterday leading them in to more fun. Any advice, as this is just the second confirmed catch? Also, to insult my intelligence (she knows I’m mensa level+), she thinks I cannot nail her twitter account.

  2. Mike says:

    My wife of 13 year has had an affair with two different men in the last year. She claims she is sick and has a “monster” inside of her but at this point I don’t know what to believe. I left the when I first found out but she had to have surgery the next day and no one could drive her to the doctor and back but me. So now I a home taking care of my wife and 7 year old daughter and I am going out of my mind. I have friends that are supportive but right now that just doesn’t seem to be enough. I just don’t know how she could do this to us.

    • kris says:

      my wife cheated on me 4 months ago and also sent pictures to guys online all summer. she also had a monster inside….it turns out she is bipolar. this happens a lot w bipolar woman as far as i know…. however sick or not i still havent forgiven her even though shes back home. shes on meds now. i still dont know what to do with my bitterness but bp disorder is something you should look into

  3. admin says:

    Mike,

    It’s totally normally not to be able to get your mind around the fact that she did what she did. “Accepting” the fact of the affairs can take a long time, but it’s a big step in your healing process.

    There’s a part of us that doesn’t want to accept it, I believe partly because we think it’ll prevent us from the pain of acknowledging that yes, this thing we hate did happen.

    Some people call this denial. And it’s totally normal. But getting to the point of accepting it will help you, and it won’t kill you, even if it feels like it will.

    I want to acknowledge you for taking care of your wife right now despite what she did, and of course taking care of your daughter. And I know the stress can seem unbearable - on the one hand you’re devasted and angry at your wife, and on the other hand you’re taking care of the the very woman who hurt and betrayed you.

    I’m curious how much you’ve talked about the affairs with your wife. It will help you if you make a list of the questions you have for her, and then pick 1 or 2 to answer every day or so. Some people call this the “fishbowl technique.” Put your questions on pieces of paper, put them in a fishbowl, and then your wife dips in and pulls out questions until she gets one she can answer.

    The fish bowl isn’t necessary – the point is to get your questions answered. It’s liking pulling off a bandaid – it’s going to hurt like hell at first.

    By the way, your wife saying she has a monster inside of her sounds to me like she’s ditching responsibility for what she did. She did it, not a monster. While we all have that potential inside us – even you and me – we need to take responsibility when we allow that side of us to steer the ship and hurt the ones we love.

    -Kevin Jackson

  4. Mike says:

    Thank you for your response! It was very help full but the last paragraph cut like a knife. I guess I wanted to believe it was the “monster” that did it and not her. I just hope and pray through therapy that we can start over for our daughters sake, and the fact that I love her. I just really need some support right now and I feel so alone.

    I wish the sky wasn’t blue, I wish water wasn’t wet, and I wish I still didn’t love my wife.

    • admin says:

      One point here is that we ALL have that “monster” inside of us. And yes, it feels good in the moment for both the wife who cheated and the husband to blame it on a third party… in my opinion the danger is that down the line, that monster can pop up it’s ugly head again unless the person takes ownership of the monster. Basically what this means is that your wife takes responsiblity for what she did, the two of you have an ongoing honest discussions about what needs your wife had that weren’t being met, see if you can eventually get to the point of forgiving her, etc. But for right now, you just need to hang in there and realize your not alone. I’ll tell you that EVERY DAY guys who are dealing with infidelity are signing up to get my free report and join my newsletter list. You’re not alone. Affairs happen in roughly 75% of marriages, believe it or not. If you have friends, try to lean on them right now…

    • gr says:

      well Mike just know you aren’t the last boy scout. i too still love my wife. she said she has no excuse for what she did. it just happened. well we both know that is a load of shit. i don’t know if we will make it thru this or not. i want to work on us but it takes two. she should have thought about the monster of love that she had at home.

  5. Mike says:

    BTW, I did find letters that pretty much gave me as much detail as I think I can stomach at this point. Though I love the fishbowl idea, I just dont know if I am ready….

    • admin says:

      Good point: the amount of detail each guy needs to know depends on the guy. Some men don’t need any details… some need ALL of them. You have to decide how much you need, for now. Don’t deny it if you need to know some of the specifics – but don’t think you need to know everything either. You may or you may not – only you can decide. You can always ask for more information down the road. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to give it to you.

      But for now, just take it one day at a time, and realize that you WILL get through this and you WILL feel better. Keep educating yourself. Read the material on this site. And as soon as my eBook comes out, go grab yourself a copy… – Kevin Jackson

  6. TJ says:

    My wife had an affair this last summer that lasted about a month. She told me by dropping a letter in my lap and walking away. The letter explained minor involvement that I later discovered to be the monthlong affair. She seemed very sorrowful, and so I manned up and forgave her and we initially had the best week of our marriage. However, in addition to getting pregnant as a result of that week (yes, my baby), she has been an emotional ice cube. Intimacy, for example is only at my request, or only for my benefit. We have been seeing a counselor, but it seems so vague and unproductive. I don’t know what to do. She means the world to me, but I feel I am at an impass. She would say otherwise, rather that she feels just fine about me. It shows though. Do you know what I mean?

  7. Dan says:

    It’s been 1 year since I found out about my wife’s infidelity. She was screwing a coworker for about a month and every night she would come home to me to satisfy her. I feel so stupid. I had no idea. I knew the guy and he seemed like a player to me. Before any of this happened I told my wife to watch out for him. I guess she had her eyes on him too much. We both have high morals at least I thought we did. We were trying to have a baby when this stupid explosive was crammed up our marriage’s ass. We were unable to have kids throughout our 7 year marriage so we were trying fertility medication. She was feeling so depressed that she could not be happy with anything. I tried to make her happy but I could not. I thought I was a failure and started to go down the road of depression too. One night after we made love she went crying into the bathroom and cut her hair off (from the middle of her back to above her shoulders). I then realized that it is not me making her depressed. I realized that I could not make her happy either.
    I asked her to see a therapist and even our religious leaders but she didn’t. The next day she started screwing Josh. She told me screwing this guy was like a drug or alcohol. I think it would not hurt as much if she came to me and told me she had been binge drinking for the past month instead of “I’ve been unfaithful.”

    I got all the details from her e-mail account. She told him she would lie next to me and wish it was him. I tried to stay with her but she started cutting herself and when I told her I was sad and hurt she would tell me I was not a real man.
    I could not stand it anymore. I could not trust her and I finally left her after trying to make it through this mess with her. I feel better, but not whole yet. I sometimes hurt and today is one of those days. I have feelings of inadequacy and sadness. It is sad that after 7 years we were so happy together that people still thought we were newlyweds. And within the next moment we became the couple everyone wishes they never become.
    I want to other readers to know that good things are yet to come. Some of the best things to do is to calm yourself down and watch her. See how she behaves and then you can determine if she is truly remorseful and truly changed for the better. She is the one who broke the marriage oath and she will have to do a lot of work to build trust and love back into your life.

  8. doug says:

    i thought something was up, so i put a digital tape recorder in her truck. and sure enough guess what i heard. it went to him on her birthday, while i was out buying her a fucking gift she was meeting him. when i heard the tape a huge part of me died. i still love my wife. he has a girlfriend i have been debating if i should tell her or not. when my wife told him i knew he told her it was over. she wouldn’t call and tell him. i dont know what to do. she hasn’t been staying at our house for the last 3 wks. but will call everyday or come by wants to make sure i am all right. i don’t know if she is done with this or not, keeps a password on her phone. i had my supicions for about a year and a half but just couldn’t prove it. i don’t know if they were having sex that long she says they weren’t but she didn’t want any from me. told me it hurt when we had sex and that she has never liked it. but she was having it with him.

  9. doc says:

    Good morning!
    Im in the fucking pissed off stage right now.
    Thank God I love my kids enough not to do something stupid, but sometimes I wonder if even that will stop me.
    Thank God I have a few buddies and a few brothers who dont get tired of hearing me say the same shit over and over the last 8 weeks, even at 5:09 in the morning like right now.
    I wish all of you good luck and stay positive.
    If only I could follow my own advice.
    All the intellectuals implied this would happen. Some even said it to my face.
    I didnt believe them. They saw right through this *(%_%@$*8 c*nt)}.

    Good luck all.

    Dr. C

    • Bres says:

      Doc, at least you have someone to talk about it. She was my best friend, so now what. I thought we were so close I have hardly any friends, and nobody wants to hear this shit. Even when I try to discuss with her she acts as if I’ve lost my mind-maybe? Not yet, I do have mechanisms in place for rapid deployment should I go to def con. I guess the ultimate insult was an old friend sent me her post from plenty of fish that like to destroy the people who gave them their “dreams”.

    • Susan walon says:

      My wife of 19 yrs came home from work one day , said it was over and I should move in 30 days. We have a teenager. It killed me. After he went back to his wife, she called me one day and asked if “I’m ready to be friends”?
      I tried to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s not healing. She expects to pretend it didn’t happen, I think. I don’t want to feel this way anymore!!!!!
      I’ don’t know where to turn. Please pray for me. My middle name is Justin.
      I miss the idea I had of life.

  10. mike says:

    my wife cheated on me with a co worker she said he only walked her home .and kissed him only one time .i dunno what to thinik i feel like shyt

    • Kevin Jackson says:

      Mike,
      I feel your pain, man. You need to get to the bottom of this. I’m curious – why do you think she even told you they kissed? Sounds like your wife is doing something common, which is when a woman admit to something much smaller than what actually happened, because it makes her feel less guilt… and compared to admitting the full truth, it feels like nothing on her side. Just a hunch. You need to go find out. Best of luck…
      Kevin

    • Cal says:

      Hey buddy, my wife got walked home twice and then kissed the dude twice – according to her. There was much more to it, so I’d finally find out 2 months later. I’d say to calm yourself, make an escape plan if you get too cranked up, and calmly ask her to tell you what has been going on. Those two months of believing that shit hurt almost as bad as finally hearing the truth. I hope that the truth is actually what she told you.

  11. Scott says:

    I am so hurt and feel so alone now. I have been with my wife for 27 years and married for 15 years. She is my world. The first affair was in 2005 by her. She met a guy at the ballpark while taking our son for t-ball while i was working. She said it was just one night, not for sure. We file for divorce in July 2005, I later found out the one night affair was just one month prior. She signs a contract for a house end of july 05. Im thinking we are thru, so I hook up with a girl first of August we had sex many times. The divorce is not final at this time, I made a huge mistake I should have never had my affair until the divorce was final but I did guess i was thinking with the wrong head. Two months later and before the divorce was final she does a complete 180 and wants me back even after she finds out about my affair. So we call off the divorce and get back together. Everything is good for about 3 years or so until things start to fall apart again. I hook up again with the same girl again from 2005 and have another affair for about 3 months. One of the most stupidest thing I have ever done. My wife and I get back together again and try to make it work for ourselves and our 10 year old son. All good I thought until total shut down from my wife until October 2010. She now says she wants a divorce and she is just frustrated about everything including our marriage. She says we no longer have the same goals in life she wants to be her own person. I feel something is going on again so i do a liitle digging and yep Im right again. Another affair from her October to December 2010 with some guy she works with. I confront her with 2 1/2 months of chats that she had with this guy that I found about everything they did. Very detailed about what they called sex lunch for many weeks. She said she did this because she never got over the last affair I had on her back in 2008. She tells me know she no longer has any contact with this guy, and the affair is now over, but now she demands a divorce and just wants out. She says the affair that she just had is not the problem, and that is not why she wants the divorce now. Neither one of us has filed yet and we both still live in the same house together with our 11 year old son. Here is the big question, what do i do? I still love her and still want the marriage to work, and want to forgive her but can we ever trust each other agin? I want to but I”m just not for sure if I can or just what to do at this point. Please help Scott

  12. Michael says:

    Wow I wish I had found this site in October. My wife of 17 yrs had a summer long affair with an old high school friend she found on Facebook. I have never been a jealous or snooping kind of guy but I had a feeling. So …… I went back through her Yahoo archives and found out everything. It’s been 3 mos since I’ve confronted her and I’m still in the “pissed off” stage. My kids are the only reason I’m even trying ( half assed , I can’t lie to myself) to work this out. Thank you for your 7 steps.

  13. Torn says:

    I read the book and I must say that it shed light on the way I felt, thought, and wanted to do. My wife had a relationship with my neighbor for 17 months, who by the way, had his wife cheat on him. I was away in Afghanistan when the affair began. The crazy part is that it began a month after she came back home from our vacation in Thailand. I am told that she and the guy were drinking when the first advance was made, not sure, but it carried on for 10 months in my absence and another 7 months upon my return. I have never been the type of person to try look for negative thimgs about my wife, but I knew her behavior was out of the ordinary, especially whenever she had her cell. Long story short, I secretly checked her phone and found out how she planned to divorce me in my absence. I was red with anger and approached, she told me who the person was and I put her out of the house. I came back to my senses and asked that she come back home for the sake of the children. As time has passed, I have come to understand that she had this relationship in my home and around my children. This man slept in my bed as if he was me and that completely destroyed my trust in her. Although, we have decided to try to make things work, she has not been forthcoming with her sorrow for what she did. Truly Lost and hurt

  14. nick says:

    So heres my deal. Married 15 yrs. Wife cheats with some asshole. I know me and know thats a deal breaker. I move out immediately. Divorce her.

    So after she gets a paid off house and a large check plus alimony and child support….. This douchebag moves in 1 week after i leave. Whats worse is NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
    This guy is living in my house. Hes a bum who doesnt work and I support them.

    I cant get past it. What do I do? The state of Florida, neighbors, even the Church doesnt seem to give a rats ass…….. I have a daughter and ACTUALLY HAD TO FIGHT IN COURT to get her 50% of the time. I was just sued by her AND HAD TO PAY HER LEGAL FEES BECAUSE I BECAME MORE SUCCESSFUL. So, she got a raise.

    Can someone help me please. Im loosing it.

    • marty says:

      Man do I know what your going through my wife who I’ve been with for 23 years walked out on me for a bum I haven’t lost my house yet but she is driving this asshole around in the brand new suv I bought her last year and I feel the same way that no one gives a shit I’m so hurt and angry I don’t know what to do.

  15. Jessica says:

    Hi I am a wife. I was looking for info into what to do. I unfortunatly made the horrible mistake of cheating on my husband. We have been married for almost 8 yrs. He was a virgin when we got together he would never cheat on me. I love him more than anything there was a lot of personal problems that led me to do what I did wasn’t thinking straight but I told him the next day. Only happened once never will again but I keep thinking I should let him go out and have sex with someone once. He never would without my permission and I don’t know even given the oppertunity he would. I need opinions what should I do how can I help him through this. Our relationship is better now than it has been since my first child was born she is 7. But he isn’t able to move past it yet. He has forgiven me and says hes not going to leave. It kills me every day that I did this. I wish someone would invent a time machine so I can go back and stop what I did. Please help how can I help him.

    • Nelli says:

      Jessica,
      I know exactly what you’re going through, I also had an affair, though every situation isn’t the same. I am five years into healing marriage. I also never would do this again. So hard, I feel like I have to accept husband treating me like crap because of affair. I am afraid he will go have an affair and seriously worried about it!!!

  16. Marilyn says:

    I’m a wife, and have a serious dilemma. I need help from you guys, and really don’t need judgement…just advice. Please remember, that I am an imperfect human being like all others. I have been cheated on in my life, and I have also been on the other side of things, and have cheated. I have only been married to my husband for 1 year (together for 4). No kids. Let me start off with a little background on our relationship: We met at work 5 years ago, were just friends at first, (he had a girlfriend) I was single. We were attracted to eachother and found one another interesting and sweet. He played guitar, which is a big turn on for me, and we shared an interest in classic rock. We developed feelings for each other, and he ended up hanging out with me on a few occasions (but I found out a few times that he’d been lying to his gf about hanging out with me…said he was with “John”.) I didn’t like that…and neither did he, but they weren’t serious and were on the rocks. He eventually cheated on her with me (not sex, but other things.) He felt beyond guilty about it and told me what he did was wrong. I felt like more of an ass than he… The two of them eventutally had a mutual breakup. She wasn’t dumb and knew he had feelings for me. He never told her her cheated though. He is and always has been crazy about me. I don’t know that I’ve ever been in love with or crazy about him at all. I mean, I find him fairly attractive and things in the bedroom were amazing in the beginning, but have completely fizzled. He’s not “bad boy” enough for me, I don’t think. He is SUCH a GOOD guy…a Mama’s boy and family guy…very christian (ironically) whereas, I believe in God, but am not a hugs church person. Wasn’t raised that way. He hates gays, I am accepting of them…he’s not sure about about kids…I am more than sure that I want a large family. Sometimes I feel like I made a mistake and married him for the wrong reasons; because he’s a good guy..honest, sweet, loving and faithful…and he has a great family, a bachelor’s degree, and I wanted a family. Now I’ve found that i haven’t been happy with him for a long time, and when I try and communicate that with him he ignores me. He refuses to communicate. We share no interests, whatsoever and have very few similar values. What happened here?? I want a new tattoo (he tells me absolutely not), I have 3 and its just who I am. I also live motorcycles and guys who ride them…I would like my own pink motorcycle one day. He hates them and tells me know.
    I cheated on him 3 times since we’ve been married. I’m not a WHORE or a SLUT, like some of you would assume automatically. There is a double standard- the one where if the guy sleeps with 3 different people while he’s married, its alright, but the woman is a whore. YES, there were 3 different men. (all friends of mine, and one was also married). They were all one time deals- 1 was somewhat worth it, as far as sastisfaction goes, and the other 2 were completely NOT worth it. Let me just say that, I wouldn’t even have planned on telling my hubby if I thought our relationship was going well, or we were both happy people. It would just hurt him more than anything and he doesn’t deserve that—though i know I’ll probably end up telling him–he deserves to know why I’ve been so off. We are going to counseling next week and are currently serparated bc he has anger issues that result from his job. He tried to strangle my cat bc he was meowing too much…this isn’t okay. Obviously, these things with him are compeltely separate from what I’ve done. I’m just not happy still..not in love with him, not excited, i don’t miss him that much…I feel numb and emotionless which is 110% unlike me. I feel like all I want to do is be myself…be happy. HE deserves way better than me, and deserves nothing more than happiness as well. I’m just confused as to what I should do here…should I tell him about all three incidents and leave (let him leave me), start over on my own…by myself… let him find happiness with someone who’s worthy of his love and affection? Should I try and work on our marriage and get to the bottom of my self esteem issues and happiness issues? See if he can ultimately make me happy, and try and make or marriage work? What if later down the rd, I’m still unhappy and end up feeling the need to temporarily fulfill myself with momentary “happiness” with another man again? I’m lost….

    • Michael says:

      Maryland why would you want to inform your husband about your infidelity only one reason for that if he doesn’t already know it to make yourself feel better. to help clear the guilt out of your own head that you put their nobody else it’s nobody else’s fault you cheated not once not twice but three f****** time. so on the way I see it you can either go to counseling get this s*** worked out and figure out why you’re doing this or you can leave them and let him be and f****** divorce um and you leave

  17. Tim says:

    Marilyn,
    You sound so much like my wife, I had to respond. I really hope you will commit to your marriage. If you can distinguish between judgement and criticism, and can accept some criticism that may help you, please read on…
    My advice to you would be to tell your husband. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of his issues may even stem from him suspecting something already. However, it sounds like he’s got issues that would make the timing of your confession pretty vital.
    I see your dilemma as this…you don’t want to hurt him, so you keep the secret to yourself, and the guilt builds up inside of you. If you stay with him like this, you won’t be happy. You leave him without telling him, thinking he deserves better…and you never faced the guilt. You telling yourself and others that he deserves better than you so maybe you should just let him go – seems to me to be another coping mechanism to try to face the guilt yourself, believing it’s the right thing to do to let him go on without you. Problem is, he doesn’t see it that way. If he felt he “deserved better” he wouldn’t have married you. I don’t know what to say about the “never being in love with him or crazy about him” and not knowing why you married him. My wife is saying the same things about me right now. That seems to me to be more coping mechanisms to deal with the guilt of cheating. It’s a lot easier to say it was a mistake to get married than to say “I’ve cheated.” This is a sidenote, and sorry I didn’t feel like posting a separate answer, but if Jessica above happens to read this…suggesting your husband cheat on you to try to make yourself feel better is probably not going to fix anything, most likely make things worse. As far as not having things in common with your husband (motorcycles, tattoos, etc.)…try googling “I have nothing in common with my spouse.” You ain’t alone. Communication – I’m willing to bet most couples could say they wish they could communicate better. I’m rambling. I highly suggest you seek out a marriage counselor, even if you go by yourself at first. If you sit in limbo trying to decide what to do next while remaining unhappy, you will cheat again, and every time you do, you won’t feel as guilty as the time before…but eventually you’ll find yourself not being satisfied or momentarily happy with that – and then you’ll really be in an emotional wreck. I know it is extremely hard for you to fathom coming out and telling him, and you don’t want to devastate him…but, I’m one of the ones who had to find out on my own – and I really wish she would have respected me enough to come out and tell me herself. It is devastating either way. Don’t underestimate forgiveness. I hope it works out for you.

    • Br says:

      My problem with my wife started in 1985. Four days out of the navy. She had been living with my parents for six months awaiting my discharge. My father wanted me to reenlist, but after not having leave or R and R for three and a half years and being kept on duty for 106 hours straight in a refit, I was sort of a mess, I was Diagnosed with exhaustive paranoia, Today it one of the PTSD symptoms, when I arrived home I was met not by my wife or any other family member but by a note on the door directing me to the sofa, I had been driving a rented Horizon.
      But I did s the note instructed. at seven AM my father grabed the sheet and dumped me on the floor and started screaming I had to get into HR by 0800. I was planning to use my grace period to get a honey moon, get moved in to a new place, and just rest, I did note my wife that morning, she had been instructed to stay in her room with the door locked by my father, he said I did not need her distracting me, so I went into HR. Had to go to work that evening on second shift. On second shift I was High senority I had more than 60% of the work force because had been on a military leave for five years and add the three years I had before I left that gave me 8 years, Many people however thought I should start from scratch including father, But I went strictly by the contract, the second night I put my bump in for day shift. I worked until our thee next morning and again was yanked out at 7:00. My father started screaming again just like the last two days, I had spent the previous day with my wife looking at houses and apartments, That made him mad and he said you don’t need her along to distract you she will like what you pick. my mother difiused the situation when she asked when I had something to eat last It was seven days before, on the boat before I discharged. My mother said I was not going anywhere until I ate. My father stormed out the door yelling he does not have time for filling his stomach, My wife went home hunting with me but was very distant. I asked what the matter was and she said I just have not seen you in three and a half years, Just a little uncomfortable. That night I put my bump in. I did nt know who I was bumping but it turned out to be a pretty blond single mother several doors down from my fathers house When she found out she ran straight to my father and cried on his shoulder about how bad she needed days for her daughter. . I barely laid my head down the next morning when he landed in the middle of me yelling Iwas already causing trouble and my wife was there. he turned to her and told her you better get him under control, My wife told me at that point that until I proved I would not cause trouble and compromise we would live in the same house but would not live married. I went without for 31 years, My wife being bi polar was assigned as a guardianship making a divorce impossible. Her mother would not take it and her father is dead. So I was left stuck. After awhile when I tried to take a holiday off over some younger person My father would even point a shotgun at me to force me into work. This years Memorial day was the first holiday at home in since 1978, and he came over steaming saying we have traditions you would not understand so you have to leave until you are called home. I said my house my food and my equipment so take a flying leap. As far as my wife is concerned I found her in an affair last year, the man she was with tried to humiliate me in my own home, He paid in a bad way and I was placed in anger management, I went home two weeks latter and found her getting ready to go to a political dinner with a friend of my fathers. I had enough I said you are my wife and there is a 31 year note due tonight, she took off for the door and I kept the dress. She said I will meet you anywhere, after the event and we will talk but I said the note is due now, She begged not like this. It did not matter. The man came and tried to force his way in, I through him into the drive face first. right in front of my father and mother as they arrived. My father was livid but took his friend to an urgent care. My mother went to my wife and started to get the story of the last 31 years.
      One of the traditions that I would not understand was the assigning of an escort to my wife for after dinner drinks, it was the guy that hit the drive last year. when my father said lets get going he stepped up to take my wife, my father told me the reservations were set and I might have forced my own home invitation but I would not force this. I told the man that if he di not scram he was going to need another ride to the ER to remove his arm from his rear. I turned to my father and said that leaves you one short now doesn’t it. e said I am really tired of you thinking you have rights, I will not take any more lip from you and you will not be rude to any more of my friends and he slapped me, He broke two fingers and I returned the nice favor with a backhand sending him skidding down the kitchen on his rear. I we with my wife. My mother learned the whole story and is rally on his and my wife’s butt. My father said te fourth is not going to be like this. I found out he was planning to remove me from my house and strand me 30 miles away. The sheriff knows and I inform my father the first person that lays a hand on me to force me out of my house I will break his neck on the spot.
      I have been asked to find out what others think about my situation, my councilor asked me to do this. How would you react?

  18. Julio. says:

    HEllo Guys.
    Thank you for writing your stories, it has helped me open my eyes a lot. I found my exgf (now) of 3 years sleeping with another guy. I know she is not my wife , no kids but the pain still tremendous. Of course at beginning she denied it.. she still wont admit it. She keeps on lying because she is just trashy like that. When i caught them , the guy attacked me and split my eye. I pressed charges and got him arrested. She is now trying to press charges on me for Burglary (wtf) and trying to manipulate me so i drop the charges. but it is not going happened . He fucked up my eye i will fuck up his criminal background. He is a martial arts instructor and he also got caught with drugs the day of the arrest. i will take it as far as i can.

    Now i just feel sad. i feel betrayed by my love and my best friend. for a minute i thought about forgiving her, but i really cant. She hasn’t even apologized. I know what i have to do. I actually got a new GF, but i can only think about my ex and the situation. I think with time it will heal. The only thing i can think right now its to focus on my self , to become the best person i can. to have fun with my new GF … and hopefully one day she will realize what a dumb ass she was by doing that to me…

    I want her to regret it, i want her to beg on her knees…
    Also reading this stories had scared the crap out of me. im 30 now and i dont think i wanna have a wife or kids.

    Thanks to the creator of the site. it helps people like us to deal with the pain.

  19. Thomas says:

    Well, my wife and I married for 14 years..we have 5 kids and I thought I was doing all and more to keep her satisfied until I caught her and a fellow employee In his car. My first thought was to go up and end it all, but being a man of God… and told by my brothers it wasn’t worth it…I backed off. I waited until our counseling day to let the cat out of the bag. How I held it in is all done by my Father in heaven..but she acted like nothing was wrong she did…and eventhough we talked it kept going on. Got a phone call from a friend in another part of the city who called me…why was I shocked..I guess because I was feeling they would stop…wrong..a friend was also hurt in the process who was supposed to be going out with him. So he lied to her as well…she ends up getting pregnant..and this s ux..after our last child I get fixed thinking now we can enjoy our life…again I was wrong…its hard…we still live together but in separate rooms…because I feel my children are the most important thing right and I thank Jesus for not letting me go crazy…she understands what she did was wrong and I even went to the guys job and face-to-face told him I forgive him too…only Christ could have control of me in this matter…because we guys know what we wanted to do. Its not the child’s fault, so I would never be mean or blame him…but I don’t think right now I could be the husband she wants…only another baby’s daddy…I pray for God to help us all…we are not given manuals on being spouses or parents…we can only go by God’s word…don’t want to sound all religious…but if I had known I would have definitely changed some things…if you’re not going to be down with someone…don’t take the next step..but then you ask yourself. .how would you know! Seek God!..bless you all.

  20. john says:

    Marilyn.
    Well my wife does not know i know that she cheated.
    I dont want to tell her afraid of losing her.
    She cheated with different guys .at work and old school friends.
    Well i dont know what to do. but you sound exact like her.
    Im very hurt over it everytime i find out she does .
    A few tines i confronted her that somebody had seen her.
    Then suddenly it stops for a while.but then after few months she got someone else.
    I’m at the point to step out but i got no where to go.
    Moved here 7 years ago . The friends we have are all hers because she was living here.
    I left everything behind in my old life to be with her.
    Feels like im stuck here .
    But i know it cant go on like this . It breaks me down.
    Then knowing she came out a mariage that shevwas cheated on.
    And divorced over it.
    I love her with all my heart.
    But i dont deserve to be treated like this.
    Should i tell my wife i know almost everything.
    One of her coworkers keep me updated what she all .
    He is able to get in her email. So i know.
    Then i try to look in her phone from time to time.
    But she got a password on it now.

  21. Jeff says:

    I have been through pure hell and back over and over again the last 4 years of my marriage. My wife and I have 7 kids and I’m stuck in a spot cause I can’t hurt them and don’t want to split our family up. My wife started cheating on me 4 years ago with my 2 so called best friends. She had sex with them right in front of my 1 year old at that time, at home and in her van with my son in his car seat. She also had both of them at my house with my youngest son and my 4 year old at that time and told him that they were there to fix our master bath but our house was brand new and nothing needed fixed. He still to this day asks me about the guys coming to fix our bathroom and my wife calls him a liar and that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. It went on for 2 years that I had thought up until I started gettint pictures anr letters sent to my work of very detailed information that they could not know unless they were in my house. I asked my wife she said they must haved bugged our house and have been snooping around outside and some more stupid ass bullshit. Then recently someone had left a dvd in our mailbox and it was my wife and one of the guys and the other had to be filming it. I confronted her about that she had 3 different stories. First it wasn’t her of course but anyone could see plain as day it was so then she changed her story to somebody made that video its not real they put me in there and made it look like I was doing that. Um what the fuck ever. Then the last thing she comes up with is that it was me in the video with her. I set her straight on that because I don’t have black hair and my body was not like the one on there and my male parts well lets just say that was a horse and I’m not a horse. I have been through so much that the anger is taking over and I am afraid of hurting them or her. I can control it for the most part by working out and taking off some of the edge but that doesn’t last forever. I need to do somethint to put an end to this as soon as possible before I snap.

  22. Munroe says:

    Found out three weeks ago my wife has had two affairs. Both resulted in children that are not mine but was led to believe they were mine.3 year old and 3 month old.
    Caught her texting a guy friend of mine, took her phone and the rest is history.
    We have been seeing our pastor and marriage counselor. She has PTSD from childhood and has been depressed most if her life….still no excuse to do what she did, she still had a choice to make. Staying with her for our family and praying for healing in our marriage.

  23. sara says:

    Ok. I cheated. Me. The wife. I cheated twice with a female that we have to see ( my sister in law) I hate myself for it. I came clean and told him and he forgave me so quick. I knonow I did it because I spent 2 1/2 asking him to please come home from the bar. This doesn’t make it right, and we’ve been talking and he has stayed away from bars, but it has come out that he kissed a couple girls when he was out. I had to pry that out of him, so I believe there is more, but I really don’t care, I cannot forgive myself. It seems like such a copout to say ‘ I was hurting and drunk’ but I was, however I refuse to accept that, and I can’t heal. 11 months and I’m still crying every day… How does it stop?? And how unfair is it for me to cry. I shouldnt get to cry. I’m the bad one… Ijust feel like crap, and then I feel like more crap because I don’t deserve to feel sorry for myself

  24. sara says:

    My comment above its know now and 2 1/2 years. I dunno why I posted this. He forgave me, why won’t I forgive myself?? I’m not even mad at him for the 2 1/2 years of pain he caused me, because I know that the pain I caused him was worse. He doesn’t like talking about it, so I have to deal alone, but I understand he has pain from it. I just wish I could have stayed stronger, I feel so stupid. Allowing myself to become weak and vulnerable

  25. Maniac says:

    Wife and I have been married for 7 years. We started dating 20 years ago when we were in college. We have one child (13 months old).

    She has been ‘close friends’ with a male co-worker for about 2 years. I told her I didn’t like it and she always got mad at me for saying so. Now, after being home for a year due to the baby, I noticed she was constantly text messaging this guy. Every day. She also met him a few times throughout the year (that I know about). I decide to finally have her followed and they were found ‘fooling around’ in her car. So I confronted her. She says they have been fooling around, kissing, and touching eachother for about 9 months, but no sex. (apparently she didn’t want to ‘cross the line’)

    Am I dumb? Do I really think they have been folling around for 9 months without sex?

    Now she admits she had sex with another man before we got married (while we were dating and talking about marriage). She had a relationship with him for about 3 years on and off while she was dating me. Then we got engaged, and apparently it stopped with the other guy because she was happy about our relationship.

    My world is shattered. This is the person I’ve trusted for the past 20 years of my life (I’m 38). Why did she marry me 7 years ago? Why did we have a child 1 year ago?

    As much as I might love her (or am I just use to her?) and I may want to work this out, I feel like a complete moron that she has now done this twice. I wonder every day if I stay with her will she just keep doing the same thing in the future. But I’m so sad to think of raising a child in a divorce.

    And yes, I’m angry too that I’ve been ‘good’ for 20 years even though I had a lot of chances to enjoy myself with other woman. Yet I always said no. Even during my sexual prime.

    What a mess.
    Humans really know how to hurt one another.
    I can’t even describe the pain I feel from the betrayal.
    I can’t even describe how sick I feel when I picture her with the old guy or the new guy. Wow.

  26. Hi guys,

    my name is Victor St. Louis, and I used Kevin Jackson’s, “Survive Her Affair” resource back when my wife cheated. Though she didn’t want to reconcile, Kevin’s materials really helped me. I am trying to establish a similar support group for men in the Atlantic region of Canada, but I’d welcome your comments to my blog posted above.

    Remember, there is LIFE after the affair.

    Victor St. Louis
    Founder
    The Unfaithful Wife

    • Saxon says:

      I know how you feel, my wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 9. We got married at 18 and have two beautiful children. I found out that she has been having an emotional and physical affair. She said there was no sex only oral, she said he has not touched her in any way sexually. I had the up most trust in her, she was a good girl and I thought she would never do anything like that ever. The only reason I found out about it is because luckily our iPhones iCloud was synced and somehow I started receiving her text messages. It was so hurtful and devastating what I was receiving, like I love you and they were calling each other baby. So naturally I investigated further to reveal that she was calling him her king and shit like that. They were even planning to have sex while this dude girlfriend was in the hospital having his second child. Piece of shit I know. This guy was a co-worker and my wife claims they were just best friends, again I trusted my wife with everything. After I confronted her with all the evidence she still acted like nothing happened, that she was just showing affection. I had to ask if she was having an affair. She reluctantly said yes, and went into detail on how and defended against ever having sex with the guy, in which I do believe. Later on I saw the text in which they where planning on the sex. After the confrontation, she said she was not emotionaly connected with me, that she had missed out on her youth, ie, going out partying and sleeping with random guys. I cannot blame her for this, every guy even myself has had fantasies. I will say I was not 100 percent faithful either, before we got married I cheated on her with one of my best friends girlfriends. She said she forgave me for this. That’s why I, after about a week, forgave her. What hurts me the most is that she said blantantly that she is kinda glad that I’m going through what she went through. She says she loves me dearly and that she just needs an emotional connection, someone who care and listens without judgement. I admit, I was a disconnected guy. When she would try and share, I would tell her to get over it and that life sucks, I would make fun of her when she cried. It’s no wonder she would eventually seek attention else where. I know it was her actions that she conciounsly made, but my inability to show emotion and share my feelings is what ultamilty led to the infidelity. It was a 50/50 mistake. I am an emotional wreck now because of it. She said she’s torn between staying and going, that she just wants to have fun without any consequences. I get that I do, but we are married with two children, a mortgage, car payments, and other loans. We do not have that luxury any more, how do you get that through a woman’s head. I have changed my behavior drastically. I am very open now with my emotions and feelings, however, when I share them she just gets mad and sometimes she just shuts down. I really just want to hurt, mame, kill, or humiliate the bastard she was with, but I know that will only make things worse. To add insult to injury, she says she will end up hating me if I make her cut all communication off with this man. How do I take that? Can I trust her to be just friends with the guy she sucked off and almost had sex with? I don’t know what to do, I love this woman with everything that I have and our children too. I know I do not want to leave, and she has agreed to stay with me and work things out. We have already talked about a lot of shit, and made the transparent promise, to not hide anything and be open. I just do not want to leave her and I damn sure so not want her to leave me. Of course I have the usual feelings and emotions I have read about such as the feeling of self worth, inadequcies, lost, angry, devastated. I’m usually good about my emotions but latley, hell no. I’m ready to snap on the first person who tries me.

  27. Dear John says:

    I went to this website because I realized that how deeply damaged I still am from my divorce over twenty years ago precipitated my my wife’s infidelity. That experience has left lasting psychological scars that I have not been able to heal. I would like to share my story for the benefit of other men who are in the grip of a recent discovery of their wife’s infidelity. I made some bad mistakes in the immediate aftermath of that experience that I would like to help other guys not repeat. I don’t know how many people actually read this site, but if I get a positive response, I will share my sorry story for the benefit of my brothers.
    Dear John

  28. ryan says:

    Been with my wife for 11 yrs she cheated on me once in 2008 and I ve seen her yahoo email over the past couple years and had some sexually emails she cried and I forgave her and last month she camr home with a hicky on her neck she told me the guy through hisself on her and she tried to stop him and I forgave her but u don’t trust her at all is it time to part ways the only reson I’m still with her is my kids I hate feeling like this not being able to trust someone that you supppose to love

    • Henry says:

      hi Ryan,
      i am totally agree with you. i can’t imagine myself getting older with someone i trust my life with. on the other side, i always try to give her a proper life so that she live her life happily.

      my wife cheated on me since 2009, and i caught her 5 times already, but i never stop wondering how long this would last. the only survival thing i know right now is to be strong for my daughter, and how to make my self happy again.

      cheers, brother!

  29. Winston says:

    Been with my wife for 8 years, found out this past June that she had cheated on me 3 or 4 years prior to telling me. She told me it was a one time thing and that she didn’t even let the guy finish. She told me once they started she made him stop because she felt so bad about what she was doing. She said the only reason it even got to that point was because she just wanted to feel love which I can say I was very distant at the time it happened . I have since moved on from the whole thing and gotten back with her. Our marriage so far is better than it has been in years. It will take time for my trust to fully come back, but it will I believe.

  30. Steven says:

    These stories have helped today. Thank you all for sharing. I guess I should as well. We’ve been married 5 years (together for 10 since high school). We have a beautiful 4yr old. Same old song. I love her and our child too much to give up so easily. He had hired her to do some work.. They would go to foreclosure and work on them by themselves. I expressed my concern instantly. I don’t feel it’s right for a married person to be at a location alone with someone else, but I had just lost my job and we needed money. She was cheating within two months of me losing my job. She had sworn to me that there would be no issues with this guy. I found out she had called me while meaning to call him and said something she shouldn’t have… I believed her lies for a year and a half. I really believed her. But less than a month ago I got a message from this guy’s brother’s baby’s mama who is now preg with his. (My wife knows how to pick em)(makes me look at myself a little worse).

    Either way I don’t want to cheat. I want to be the bigger person. Like someone else said earlier, the first week after I found out was one of the best times in our marriage. But three weeks later and I’m going insane. I know no tangible person can help, so I’m just going to keep on and try to trust her again. Btw it had been so long since her actual affair, she stopped thinking about it a while ago, so now that it’s been brought back up I feel like she wants to get back to forgetting. But I can’t forgive because i know I’m not ready to forget..

    Thanks for having a space for us to vent.
    Steven

  31. guy says:

    I quickly witjout thinking of my son went for divorce but now she is pretty much at my doorstep asking for forgivness and how sorry she is and how much she misses me and our family. The same day she startes talking forgivness the lawyer called me to come in and sign so she could be served but now i dont know what to do.

  32. RJ says:

    Wow… the world really is wild… wife’s cheating on their husbands with husbands if other wifes and boyfriends of some other girl… crazy.

    Even comments on this blog just goes on and on proving that this thing really never stops.

    I found out about my wife’s infidelity back in june of 2012… and I’m still having a real hard time deciding to leave her or not. Maybe its because of moral values or because I don’t want our daughter to experience a broken family. I’ve been looking for guts and enough reasons to leave but I just can’t. I’m not happy. I think I don’t love her anymore coz everytime we spend time together, I notice all the bad things I don’t like about her…. so many things…

    With all that’s happening with most of the girls these days… it really makes me think that we shouldn’t rreally marry or stay with someone anymore. It really sounds bad and hopeless… but I pray that I’m wrong and there are still people out there who are loyal and God fearing.

    What Kevin Jackson said about going into relationships only after you have left or separated is the right thing to do. Ans I believe that. But after I wrestle through the emotional tortures of deciding wheter to stay or not, the next hard part is… going into the next relationahip… and removing all doubt that the next one is still capable of doing that…

  33. mw says:

    my wife of 8 years cheated on me with a guy thats married and was his mistress of 2 years when i met her, they supposedly had no contact for 5 yrs of our marriage and came into contact with him. the affair started up and lasted 3 years. i found all the call on her cell phone. they were in contact by email text and and phone. talked a few times a month. she said she was trying to end it when i found out. i just happened to find out the last time she met him? hard to beleive. and she met him in another city on what was supposedly when she told him no more contact. we have kids and shes begged my forgiveness. i feel like she hasnt come clean with everything yet and its been a year. i dont know what to do at this point

  34. Matt says:

    Same with me fellas. While looking for a pic on the wife’s phone I found sexual texts from a former coworker. She said she called him on it and it was nothing. She had been telling everyone of her upcoming trip to Boise to see an old relative. The day shes leaving I see her flight info on the I pad because she didn’t close the page duh? The flight plan was to Sioux Falls SD where Mr Wonderful resides not Boise like I had heard for the last 3 months? I got real pissed then calmed down but she went anyways for 4 days. The next day I was opening a new business I started plus i had our 3 year old son and 5 year old daughter to take care of but I made it and am very proud of myself for that! Other wise it was the worst feeling of my life. Worse than the passing of both my parents whom I loved dearly. Anyways I do love her after 11 years and 8 married and forgiveness is not easy but I have and I don’t want my kids lives to be screwed up. Anyways when she came back home I could tell she was feeling real guilty and she told me everything. She was still texting him for the next week then I text him “To stop messing with my WIFE and to leave her alone which he has for 3 weeks now as well as saying some classless things about her but it is what it is and at least he lives 1000+ miles away. This really pissed her off but I am SOOO glad I told the dirt bag to stop it. We have done a lot of soul searching and have started to see a counselor which helps get the truth and feelings out. Our friendship is almost back but I still hurt and get pissed daily as this really sucked!!! Sometimes we as husbands have to look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves about how we treat our wives as well because unless your wife is a sex addict, there is something we as husbands are doing wrong too. So admit that to her and she’ll fess up to you and respect your honesty and you’ll start to gain some respect back for her to. I may be lucky in that I was the only man my wife had been with before this and I had had many partners over the years before I met her so I know it was a bad experience for her with the other guy because of what she has disclosed but it still hurts me the same as it would if she had dozens of lovers before we met. But I see light at the end of the tunnel and being able to talk in depth with each other has helped us both. That and telling the other guy to stop. A good counselor has helped us to. But the trust is the hard one to rebuild and will be for years to come I feel. But most importantly think of you and your kids first. Then decide if forgiveness is in the cards. May GOD BLESS all you guys going though this same BS as me.

  35. Mike says:

    My brother just got this handed to him by his wife. He is a wreck right now. I want to look out for him, so he doesnt get screwed. What Can I do?

  36. Alan says:

    I met this woman in high school. We dated for 4 years and were married in 1988.
    In 2004 she started an affair with a guy I knew on line than told me she had a one night stand with him. I found most of this affair on her computer. I forgave her and we moved on. In the summer of 2013 and over two months around our 25th anv. She started another on line affair sharing pics of sexual nature with another dude.
    She says it’s over, but still has strong feeling for this guy.
    What to do?

  37. Dear John says:

    The First Premonition

    Thank you, Mr. Jackson, for offering this great service for men who are going through the profound grieving that a man endures when he first realizes that the woman he loves, who he trusts with his heart and shares his life and wealth, has broken that bond of trust at the most fundamental level by engaging in sex with another man. It is such a profound and life-changing event that he will never be the same as before. I wish that I had this kind of resource when my first marriage ended through my wife’s infidelity.

    I could not talk to anyone about my personal tragedy, because it was so shameful to me. If I had a good female friend at the time, I might have been able to share my pain with her. I would never discuss my secret shame with another man, because I would rather suffer alone than admit to such a profound failure in the most intimate chamber of my life, which would reduce me in their eyes in a way that was simply not acceptable to my pride as a man.

    Reading the stories of the other men in this forum, and reading your book, I have started a process of healing from this deep psychic wound. Because I lacked any outlet to share my sorrow, I turned in on myself and nearly died over the next couple of years after the divorce. I went from being a healthy, happy, holy man to a bitter, angry, reclusive loser who went straight to the bottom in a frenzy of excessive drink and use of hard drugs to ease my pain. I eventually ended up homeless and penniless, wandering the streets like a hungry ghost and sleeping in bushes at the edge of Santa Cruz, California which I fled to from my home state of Arizona to get away from anyone in my home town who might have heard of my public humiliation at the hands of another man. I’m older and wiser now, but I paid a high price for not dealing with my problem in a more mature manner. I am writing this to help other guys who might fall into the well of despair that nearly killed me.

    The first premonition that something was amiss in my life occurred at an event at my home in Arizona. I was a full-time student at the local university, where I went back to complete my degree so that I could make more money and get better jobs. My wife worked at a bank, and she developed an interest in journalism and began writing feature stories for newspapers and magazines. She had a talent for writing and I encouraged her to pursue this career path. I was very proud of her success as a writer and pleased that she had found a way to make her own mark on the world.

    She joined a writer’s group which met regularly at different member’s homes. One month it was my wife’s turn to host the writer’s group, so I volunteered to take care of serving the guests. I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, being a good househusband, making drinks and serving food to the guests, so that she could attend to the meeting. (God, I hope that I wasn’t wearing an apron. That would have been the final touch in my ultimate humiliation.) Like much of what happened over the next few months, I have very limited memory of that time. I only recently recovered this memory, which I had blocked from my consciousness to dim the pain.

    I was standing in the doorway from the kitchen, listening to the meeting, ready to serve drinks to anyone who requested it. I went back into the kitchen, and came back out to hear a woman from the group say something about “your boyfriend”. I didn’t hear the beginning of the commentary, so I wasn’t sure what she was referring to. As I came around the corner out of the kitchen, my wife leapt up and turned on a very noisy old swamp cooler that drowned the woman out. I was perplexed, and several writers objected to the loud noise. Suddenly, the whole room stopped, and all eyes were on me. Time stood still, and I had the uncomfortable sensation that everyone there knew something that I didn’t know. The room full of faces reflected bemusement, contempt and pity.

    I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and felt like I needed air. I walked out the back door and walked along the arroyo in back of the house for hours. They could make their own damn drinks. I needed to get out of the house. I eventually rationalized to myself that I was misconstruing a random remark, but I couldn’t get over the long, strange look I got from this group of sophisticates. My gut told me that something was wrong, but I overruled it with my mind.

    As it turned out, “her boyfriend” was one of the founding members of the writers group. He had wisely stayed away from this particular meeting, thank God. I never had to see him face to face. From that night forward, I began to suffer from bouts of inexplicable anxiety and prolonged periods of deep and almost debilitating depression. I went to a psychiatrist at the university health services, who prescribed medication that just left me drained of life and really didn’t help at all. Zombified by bad anti-depressant drugs, I lacked the vitality to pay better attention to what was happening right under my nose. In retrospect, that was the first premonition that my wife was having an affair.

  38. Jackie says:

    My wife had an affair in 08 we were pretty happy for a time, I had work though as I’m a doctor we had a nice house and everything, eventually having a son but then she met a man while we were having a barbeque with friends and they chatted it up they flirted for months then she had the affair. I found out because one of my who patients who I invited to the barbeque saw them holding hands leaving a his apartment I confront her and she breaks down crying saying some sh#t that she was feeling unhappy and bored, and that she wanted some attention but she never really said anything or talked about counseling so I can’t trust and filed for separation then divorce. Because I couldn’t take it I would never cheat on her I was faithful do you know how many nurses or girls would come on to me? But I kept my vows divorce was final in 2011 I found a woman who has values nothing serious yet I still visit my daughter to. Now me personally I believe if it took me finding out for her to feel guilt then she wasn’t the same woman I fell in love with.

    • Dr. C says:

      Hey Jackie,
      I am in the same boat. Wife of 9 years files for divorce after a great spring break trip. I was blind-sided. She just says she no longer loves me?? I am also a doctor and have given her everything she has desired including two wonderful boys. After seeing the phone records and putting things together, I caught her at a guys house who is a bum with a criminal record. It makes me sick to think about it. I love this woman more than life itself and would never break my vows. She has no remorse and is giving me the cold shoulder……Any help?

  39. Tone says:

    Boy am I in the right place.
    My wife’s affair started 3 years ago and progressed from physical to emotional to weekends with him, like this weekend.
    Married 17 years, two young children, and I have cancer. Over a year now. You’d think it would slow her down, but no, business as usual.. I think she is loosing it, I’ll spare you the details of her text to each other, over 200 a day, plus the swingers bars, the strap on and other toys.
    Apparently she wants to be happy.
    I told her that happy is not a place it’s a mindset. And happiness and pleasure are two different things.
    She is trying to break up with him, but it’s hard , she has to spare. His feelings, unlike mine.
    All I can think about is my kids and not make any hasty decisions, which I’m too tired for cause I have cancer and chemo screws you up.
    So much more but, too tired.
    So no job , can’t work, and afraid to loose my kids.
    Ps. I’m not perfect, I was neglectful, we had rough times, but always I thought we had loyalty.
    Go figure

  40. pat says:

    Thanks for sharing guys, need some advice from my story here – wife cheated with my best friend. He is married too with 2 kids and his wife treats me like a brother. We used to see each other’s family almost every weekend and even our kids are very attached to each other. I had a heart attack 6 months ago, where this man and his family helped us tirelessly and we came even closer in respect and love…..and then along came my parents, who had a huge fight with me and my wife and it all got screwed totally with everyone blaming each other. Obviously my wife felt targeted and blamed me that i did not support her. I caught her when i scanned her phone for messages – as i started to read the msgs to her she panicked and told me that “we have been together for the last 2 months”. Being together means to me “sexually and emotional” but she tells me that it was only emotional support, even though they used to txt shit to each other and other than that he met her a few times as he stays quite far from us and has a very busy family life. Now, she tells me that the family issues was the trigger to get emotional support from this man, with whom she started talking initially and it grew into an affair, where they did sexting, phone calls and having day outs together(which i found out) by calling in sick at work. She says she hasn’t slept with him and they just had an emotional bond, he listened and all that crap plus he wanted us to be together. If I go back I can’t see a single sign from both of them as they were perfectly normal – my friend used to talk everything with me without a blink of an eye, My wife and I were still together physically though we were having disagreements now and then – it was like the perfect bluff.
    She is extremely guilty now and sounds pretty genuine. We have talked about it but she won’t accept the physical part, and she wants me to move on and she will do whatever it takes and will always have me first – we are having a very passionate sex life which we never had before and things look like they are getting normal BUT she has done this twice before in the last 10 years and i am extremely insecure for that reason as i don’t think i will survive another hit. Should i believe her and not try to find the true story by giving her this chance which i am thinking is right for the kids but this could be extremely dangerous for the future as this might be another bluff. Also, what should i do with this friend who has hurt me equally. He has said to his wife that he swears on the life of his kids that he had no feelings. His wife believes him and has told me that my wife had an infatuation and she has made up a story as she is on depression medication and is not mentally stable. None of the above adds up as a story and i am in extreme doubt and fear…..pls help!

    • Brandon says:

      I think you should move on man. I’ve stayed with my wife through her affair and its horrible. It will never be the same. Stand up got yourself and move on. She f’d another dude. Just move on man. I know it’s hard but you’ll get through it. Either that or you never get through it by staying with her

  41. Jack says:

    I just found out today that my wife cheated with a co worker back in the spring. She says she only gave him oral sex a couple of times and that she ended it not long after because she knew it was wrong. I don’t know what to believe at this point. We work in the same office and I needed to get something from her desk drawer and found steamy notes back and forth to each other. I am devasted. This woman is my best friend. She knows everything about me and I thought I knew everything about her too. Apparently not. We have been married for 17 years and I thought everything was great. I don’t know what to do. The range of emotions im going thru right now is insane. I love her more than anything but I’m so humiliated. To top it off about 4 years ago I went thru therapy because I had trust issues. I just can’t believe that someone who knows I’ve had these issues could do this to me.

  42. tomas says:

    I feel angry,hurt and betrayed. I trusted my so much that I never she could do such a thing to me. Today I feel worthless I cant walk tall as a man. To make matters she keeps denies it

  43. JB says:

    I haven’t slept at all today, still up and have to leave for work in 2 hours. My intuition was bang on, all of the classic signs, god she is working out tons! That damn cell phone never leaves her side (and on silent) The sudden upturn in sex and good sex for a couple of months! Followed by a dry spell, a bad mood just before Christmas, a funk, no sex, distance, why is she snapping at me?

    So I ask her exactly that, why are you so mad at me? I don’t giver here enough space, she’s tired, why do I bother her for sex, can’t you see I am tired?

    Cell phone bills, an odd number, a quick bit of research and voila! And the more I dig, the more I find, I even said the guys name to her yesterday morning, deny deny deny, who is that, blah blah blah. I told her I loved her, I just needed to hear it wasn’t true, she half hearted lay said just that, I am crazy it’s all because of me doing this or not doing that, classic deflection.

    Electronic traces, I hate the way we all look a t our phones and IPads BUT electronic traces are dangerous and scary to the un savvy (which my wife is). Check the last number called after I get home, it’s not mine, it’s her work voicemail. Odd on your holidays. Glance at the IPad, fell open to google app, give it a swipe, eBay, men’s shoes and cuff links ordered in October from an account I was unaware of (nothing I would wear I might add), never mind the cuff links have birthstones in them (again not mine) nice gift for Christmas. To know his shoe size and birthday in October means it’s been going on for a bit, so I check her old cell phone (google app) and low and behold there is his name being searched back in September along with searches like carnal knowledge, feral, Madonna who’re complex etc…a name she said yesterday she had never heard. She goes for a massage on December 12, I am at home recovering from knee surgery, I check her phone bill, she was on the phone to this stateside number for 35 min, he calls her back 2 min later, his number is in my city hitting a cell tower here!!!! She flatly denies anything, says it her friend Suzanne from Colorado, and I said well she came all my the way here did you see her? No no of course not.

    IF you feel it, then it is, believe it.

    Guy lives stateside, I am in Canada, I already know a bunch about him, guys supposed to be some god fearing man with a religious following. I have enough info on him to ruin his reputation and family. And I may still.

    Today after work all the evidence gets presented, and I will demand detail. But I will not make any big decisions. Cool.

    • Dear John says:

      JB, dude, you have sack!
      I dig how you busted up her straight-up by being more tech savvy. She never saw you coming. Your narrative was engaged and insightful, and (thankfully), well-written. I wish you the best outcome in your current time of trouble. You’ve earned it.

      Dear John

  44. Ramon says:

    My wife is so unfaithful and everytime we argue about her infidelity she always turn the tables on me, accusing me of cheating and all other shit and what’s worse she’s even inventing scenarios saying I did all that things and I’m a cheater too, but I’m not I swear to God, I’m losing it because I’m living with a psycho but I can’t leave because I got nowhere else to go. FML.

  45. Craig says:

    I need some advice my wife of 2 years went to hang with a guy on my birthday and ended up getting rapped about 4 months back now and she doesn’t think she owes an apology so it makes me think she not remorsful.for going hang with him in the first place if it is true and she did get rapped shouldn’t she be feeling remorse about it and not just try and forget about it Ii mean am i wrong for thinking like this i can’t let it go.i don’t know whether to stay or go please reply back i need help like 4 months ago.

  46. Keith says:

    12/29/2013. Our 23rd wedding anniversary at approximately 4am my wife proceeded to get it on with our neighbors (husband and wife). They were good close friends. No one included me . My wife claims to not remember it claims to remember everything afterwards. This has devastated me shook me to the core and had ripped my guts out. She acts as though I’m the guilty one. I have never cheated on my wife ever and never thought in my wildest dreams she would ever do anything like this. I have always keep a handle on my emotions but I can’t now. I have to be strong for my kids who do not know what happened but want us to work it out. It is killing me I can’t look at her and not see that night. It is almost like a hallucination. Anyone out there who can help me right the ship?

  47. Clark says:

    I caught my wife cheating nearly 1 year ago, kicked her out the hse and got custody off the kid. At the time it hurt like hell but now, she done me the biggest favour, she lost me and only gets visitation with kid. Karma

  48. Sean says:

    Posted last night, but I think my expletives got me deleted. Married 11.5 years, and just got proof yesterday of her affair. Haven’t slept, can’t eat, shaking like crazy. I’m tech savy, so I have records of online chats. This sucks! Never would I think she’d do it! We have 3 young kids, and my effing heart goes out to them so much. My wife is going through something, and it’s probably permanent. I have to let her go. I have to take the high road. I’ve been under the gun lately because of financial stuff, so she’s been talking serious divorce, but now I know the real reason. This affair isn’t some fling, her heart is for another. Since divorce has been on the table, and it seems it was inevitable ( they’re talking marriage!!!!), I’m not going to out her. I need to think of the kids, and I don’t want them to grow up in a shadow of infidelity, which is how my wife grew up. I have no one to talk to, because I can’t at the moment. I have to bear this burden until we talk, and I reveal to her that I know. If she wants out, then go. Lets do this peaceably, and focus on the kids. I will entrust someone after she and I talk, but it sucks I just have no outlet right now. She’s the mother of my kids, and I need us to continue to be a family, no matter what. I don’t want my family to ostracize her, friends and our church family, too. I’m the invisible third wheel in this secret, and oh my god has my heart just be ripped out. Any words of encouragement would be great as this is my only outlet. Thanks

  49. Rob says:

    My wife of 3 years strayed with another guy 3 times. I knew something was up those 3 weeks but never imagined she would go that far. This was a little over 2 months ago I found out. I came across a couple texts between them but only got to read a couple before she caught me. She has ended it with him and we are going day by day to rekindle our marriage. She has been honest with me and we both agreed that we where more like roommates rather than husband and wife. It still hurts thinking back on the dates she lied and telling me she was one place but really with him.
    I’m filled with rage when I think about that f*cking prick. Taking advantage of My WIFE (who also shares responsibility) and who was confused about her marriage, but he really thought he could take MY place! I know if I came across a woman like that, (which I have in the past) I would be there to talk and have her do the same with her spouse. But what can I expect when I look at what he had going for him…34 yr old, living with his mommy, unemployed “student”.
    I know not 2 of our stories are exactly the same, and my comments may not relate to all of you but I think it’s good for us men to share our pain, rage, sadness and confusion.
    Let’s keep our heads up boys! We all make mistakes and it will take time to heal. And if your going to fix your marriage…remember, your wife chose YOU! Don’t let her affair define You or her. That other F-ing dude has nothing on me, he could never pleasure her like I can. Shit, he couldn’t even afford to buy her a happy meal!
    When you do think of him, remember, He’s the lowest of the low. A piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe.
    Let your Alpha male out and turn that rage into passion for her. And if your marriage is over, turn it into strength for yourself to get back on your feet and start over.
    I wish all you gents a happy life and good luck!

  50. Ryan says:

    I have been with my wife for seven years, we went through a rough spot due to me working away on the oil rigs to earn enough to support my family, she was left with the kids and hated me for it. When I cam home we decided its best for me to stay home as it was killing our marriage, I did, I thought we were getting better, we had a row and said we should separate to try and fix things, that same day she went out and didn’t come home til 06.30. I knew she cheated on me, she lied about every single aspect of it, first saying she was at a party, then when I found out where she was she said. He kissed her and she pulled away, then I just went to him and found everything. She says she didn’t have sex with him but I know she did. I’m so desperate right now, I have three kids who I look after at home, I’m so glad I’ve got them as sometimes I don’t think I can take this torment any more , she is my world, I was such a confident person, I am now really depressed, loath myself almost, I can’t stop seeing images in my head. She says I’m her work it was a mistake and she is mine forever. I forgive her but I can’t forget, I hate i love her so much but I’m so hurt, she was the one woman I always believed would be my rock and be by my side. She has literally ripped my heart to shreds…… I love her and want to be with her, but she still shows almost no interest in me, no attraction, how have I ended up here, three perfect kids, the woman of my dreams and now I’m destroyed. How do I get past this as I can’t see a light at the end of this tunnel.

    • Ryan says:

      I know I should man up but I feel that she is staying with me out of convenience and nothing more, then I can’t believe she would do this to me as I would go to the ends of the earth to make her smile. I’ve never felt so alone or betrayed my whole life, and I’m embarrassed to say this is the lowest I have ever felt. I have her, she says she loves me, we have three perfect kids, she chose me, but why do I still feel second best…. And she still doesn’t seem like she is interested in me at all but when I raise the issue she says she loves me sooo much. I don’t get it.

      I’ve never ever believed that people should take there own life but I understand now why people would feel that’s the only way out. I have always know she was to good for me, she is amazing, I have been cheated on by every woman I have ever been with, I married her as she had been through the same and was so against it and was such a loyal person, how did this happen …again…

      I’m not an ugly bloke, I work out a fair amount and have an athletic body, I always try to do good by other people, it seems to me the wankers of the world always end up with the girl, I have always been the freind kinda guy….what a mug. Wish I could turn off.

  51. shahrukh says:

    My wife cheated & I had proof of her whatapp history. she says so. I told her that lets take a break & then she calls me continuously which i dont pick. ultimately when i pick she says i want to come back. i agreed & she promised to work on it. after a few days i notice her call history getting deleted. being a tech geek i recovered it again & there was again a number on which she was calling for hours. she says its her mom but when i call the num its powered off seems she has set up a code of somesort.

    please tell me what to do. how to proceed. I have a 1 year old son & I am all confused & alone. I cant talk to anyone about it. pls help me if you can

  52. Shayne says:

    I’ve been married for 19 years. A year and a half ago I found out that she had been unfaithful. I was totally devastated to say the least. We have since been able to work on our marriage and seem to be going in the right direction.
    My biggest problem is that I keep seeing images of her with him nearly every time I have sex with her. Needless to say this makes it difficult and not nearly as enjoyable as I would like.
    I recently purchased and read your book. Lots of good advice. About avoiding the triggers that cause the images but avoiding sex with my wife is not something I want to avoid.
    Please give any advice you may have.

  53. Brendon endicott says:

    I think she cheated for all of our 21 years of marriage with the same guy what do I do I can’t prove it

  54. Paul says:

    My wife say’s she love’s me and she never cheated??? I have 2 witnesses that one night she went next door to the guy’s house to ask if it was true if he choke out my step daughters boy friend but this was at 1130 at night and she snuck out???? she always came home from school and took showers but took showers before she left???? She still say’s she never cheated on me but 2nd wedding anniversary I am told by my friend who’s wife was with her said dude she cheated on you and she was at panama city while I was stuck working paying for the trip???? I am a ars hole!!! pardon my French! Why haven’t I left her cause this is just the tip of the iceberg and how can I prove she cheated ??? I know one time I told her I love her and forgive her then she ran to the bathroom and started cutting her self as I busted the door down as she cried saying you never belive me but all the lie’s. And I love my step son and her I don’t want to leave and I don’t want to stay and get aids or kill some one cause I snap. can this book truly help????

  55. Max Tiamson says:

    Hi sir….

    Well we may say that i am one of these guys who were been cheated…

    It so painfull iv never saw it comming i never even think of doing it but fuck it so hard…
    I read some of your insghts im doin it…
    Im trying to make things better as it was…
    But she has the guilt and hard to get over in what she have done..

    Im trying to fixed our relationship and it so hard…
    I hope i can still fix this no matter what

    Thanks…
    Good luck …

  56. Omar G says:

    I would like a copy of the book. My wife cheated after 2 years of marriage with my best friend at the time. I was so angry at both of them and more at him for his failure to man up and tell me face to face what he did. Rather he hid behind a phone and said she lied and was crazy even before I brought up the subject. It’s been over 3 years since it happened and I am still hurt and angry. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. I want out but can’t bare the thought of not seeing my children every day. I have the support of my family but I am still confused and I still feel utterly alone. I know what I want to do I just don’t know how to do it.

  57. jim says:

    I want to start off by saying I have cheated before and so has my wife. We were supposed to be in a new, fresh, relationship with mutual understanding that it would not be tolerated again! So one day, the day before fathers day to be exact I throw a party and I am by no means drunk but I like to act the part to fit in ( I get bad headaches when I REALLY drink) so I fluff a little. Well long story short after everyone was gone except for a cousin I went to the “bathroom” after noticing my wife dancing kind of, well, dirty so I went to the room where there’s a double sided fireplace and watched a hour and forty-five minute porno with my wife and cousin. I wanted to confront them in so many different ways including with my gun I had in the closet but I didn’t – I wasn’t drunk remember, so I was thinking clear. I walked out and stood near them until they noticed me and asked my cousin to leave, never come back or talk to me or I would punch him and embarrass them both telling the family( big family). The issue I have now more than any other time is that after a up and down 13 year marriage I have used our “lets communicate more, and don’t keep secrets agreement” and have suggested using toys, pornos, spontaneous encounters, swingers clubs( just to drink and watch what people do) and every time she simply put it that she does not like pornos, why use toys there not the same, your gross for wanting to go to clubs like that and if you suggest a threesome again im going to slap you! SO WHY MAKE OUT WITH A FAMILY MEMBER ALMOST ROUNDING THIRD BASE BEFORE I PUT A STOP TO IT! They tried to deny it and say it just happened within moments, so I killed their story by explaining in graphic detail what went on. Okay, Okay sorry for rambling so the bad part is I would probly be able to get over it like before except ” I saw it” and my wife went to check on me in the bedroom 4 times to see what I was doing the first two times I saw her coming I jumped on the bed and acted passed out drunk, then the third time she woke me out of my “drunken stupor” and told me to lay down that I had too much to drink and then she kissed me on my forehead.(AHHHH) so then when I was trying to adjust – from laying on a floor staring through a fireplace I stepped on a water bottle (of course it was dark) and of course it made a loud crinkle sound so I jumped up back in bed the same way she left me ( drunk and passed out) and she opened the door and peaked in for a few seconds, shut the door and continued on!!!!!!!!!!!!! This last paragraph is the reason I cannot come to a conclusion on what I am going to do, I want to be with her, I have three boys and broken homes are shit, but I also cannot ever do anything with her again that I saw her do with him. No more slow passionate kissing, neck kissing, breasts, straddling, grabbing butt, nothing, NADA so does anyone have any advise or comments. Also I have never commented on websites before so I don’t know how I get responses, so I will just re-look at the website in a few days. Thanks for listening

  58. jim says:

    As a simple tip, for those who think they are being cheated on, if you think she talks on the phone with this person, A few years back I purchased a small tape recorder, and phone connecter at radio shack and you simply connect them and, attach the phone cord and put the recorder on auto so when the phone rings it will exit sleep mode and start recording both sides of the conversation, when you get home you can disconnect have some personal time in the bathroom with your paper and earphones and listen to what goes on. I caught her that way and also herd a conversation with her mother where she told her and her mother told her to deny it if I ever found out. What a mother in law

  59. Adrian Crace says:

    Hello.. My wife and I of ten years are going through a tough time right now and I’m not so sure if it’s more me now then whats happened. She abandoned and cheated on me with not just one but three different men. Both of my parents became very sick and I had to look after the both of them. To make matters worse, my brother who is six years older then me and has been disabled from birth lived with our mother who had been his primary care giver was in great need as well. So I had to do what was needed to be done and take of all three of them. I wont go in to great detail as to what I had to do for them, but it involved cooking, bathing, house cleaning, paying bills, medicine, doctors, rehab, nursing homes, selling houses, attorneys. When my Dad passed away a week later I had to put my mom in the hospital so she could go from there to rehab and my brother had to stay with my Wife and I. Three days later I had to be taken to the emergency room for chest pain due to stress and my wife never showed up. I knew that she was playing dirty pool at the time but I had and need to deal with my family. I knew I wasn’t giving my wife 100% of my time but if I didn’t do for my Mom, Dad and Brother it would have been much worse. Then six months after my Dad passed my cuz who was my Dads brothers daughter and more like a sis then a cuz to me passed as well. My Wife, who I’ve been with twenty years, married ten of then didn’t do, say, or acted like she gave a damn at all. I would go to work then go take care of my family and when I would come it was nothing. She acted as if I wasn’t even in the house. Four months after my cuz passed on Christmas Day it all came to a head. I had to say something and all I got was sorry! So I put it a side to deal with my Mom and Brother as you could guess. Had to put my Brother in a Nursing Home and my Mom in Assisted Living and feeling good about keeping them safe and all and thinking good I can take a breather, but no! My Mom took a turn for the worse after eight months and passed away. My Wife, still nothing! My uncle had a rental house and my Wife and I was living in a apartment a talked about moving into the house and we did, hoping to leave our troubles behind and make a new start and brother it didn’t work. To me the Abandonment issue was worse then the cheating and just picked at me day in and day out and I just can’t seem to get over it. I know she married me and not mu family but how can some one do that to you and what do you do! Drinking was may vice for about five months and I said you can’t do this shit and that was that. It’s been tow years now and my feeling for my Wife has changed greatly! I don’t trust her and I not sure if I love her anymore. If you was to ask me right this moment if I loved her I would say no. Now I was talking to another woman for about four or five months after all this shit and stopped it. I wasn’t having sex with but having a emotional relationship you could say and that didn’t make me happy one little bit. I can’t and don’t trust my wife or any woman, let along anybody. I don’t know what to do! I feel as if I’m going insane. What does one do? Go for the big D and start over or just hang and be unhappy????

  60. Rowan says:

    My wife has not physically cheated on me. She emotionally cheated on me with my brother. From the first day we met she dragged her feelings for my brother in our relationship. She always lied to me when i asked her about her feelings towards him. She gave me a could shoulder and many times the silent treatment. I know he played the same game with her because she caught him may times looking at her in that way. She admitted that she looked at him too when nobody would see. She admitted that to sleep with him was part of her feelings towards him. This went on for about 11 years and we have been together for 14 years. She actually let him go in 2010 when he immigrated to Australia. I never got over it and till this day it haunts me like mad. It’s getting worse now and i can’t cope with it. It is a see saw ride and it is driving me insane. It is destroying our relationship, but after all these years i stayed with her because i love her so much. We are still together and this issue is going haywire inside of me. I tried to forget, i tried to forgive, but it always comes back and it always causes me to push her away from me. I love her, but i can’t stand the fact that she had those fantasies towards him for so many years. How the fuck do i get over this?? I really need help!

  61. Brian says:

    I caught my wife cheating just a couple of weeks ago. I had my suspicions and went through her phone when she came home that night. Sure enough, I found the texts of them planning their meeting. She says it only happened that one time but I found out later that she been seeing him for awhile. Then I talked to her sister tonite and she told me that my wife has been cheating on me for some years now. We’ve been married almost ten years and I find out that it’s all been a lie and that she’s been cheating this whole time. As a matter of she’s out tight now with “friends”. I don’t believe a word she says anymore. She’s probably fucking someone right now!! What do I do!?!?

  62. Al says:

    Hi Kevin

    Just found out today that my wife has cheated for the 2nd time . This time I got her to admit that she slept with the guy . Last time I found her out she said it was because she was unhappy with us . That I didn’t talk enough , I kept things to myself to much , I didn’t show her enough affection & that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me . She swore then she hadn’t slept with the person but now I’m not sure if that is true .

    I’m in a funny place . I don’t feel mad or sorry or anything really . Can only think its shock as last time i felt this way is when my dad was killed suddenly . I moved to live in her country beside her family & friends so i have sent her & our little 7 year old girl to her parents . So i can get my head round this.

    I feel a bit of fool because the last time this happened i fought for our relationship . Even when she told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me . I’ve never been the most open of people keep everything to myself most of the time rather having an argument with myself and working things out that confronting my wife . It’s weird because when ever i get mad with her by the time she gets home i’ve gone through the whole thing in my head and amn’t mad with her any more . She takes this as a sign that i don’t care about us . As she said before if i don’t argue with her then i mustn’t care about us .

    Also another things she said is that the spark is gone out of our marriage and she doesn’t feel the excitement . That this guy she slept with has given her the excitement we are missing . He is also married with a 8 yo kid but as she said he is unhappy in his marriage as well . The thing is i found his email and found he had online posts looking for “Hi we are a couple looking for fun, she is 50 loves guys and girls and almost everything else, he is 40 straight 7 ” cut and loves giving oral ” My wife was a bit surprised when i told her about this but that’s beside the point . She was crossed the line and screwed someone else . What hurts me is that we often spoke about other couples she know who was cheating on each other and she said that was awful she would never go that far and yet she has and possible had when we spoke about that .
    Also she wouldn’t have admitted to me that she had slept with this guy until i brought up his name email and message i had found on my laptop . The bad thing is that i really have no one here i can confide in . They are all her friends and family and just not goiing to talk to them about it . My family is the other side of the world and don’t feel like bothering them with it as they will feel so bad being so far away.

    I feel so bad, worry for our little girl that it will mess her up if we were to split . Hell it would mess me up as well as if we split I really don’t have separate friends and family here . I know they would still be ok with me but i really could hang with them after this . I would be all on my own which scares me . The whole thought of having to start all over again after nearly 10 years also makes me feel sick . But am i fool for even thinking of trying to keep this together . She has hurt me big time twice now and she still says she loves me but not in love with me . Am i trying to hold onto something that can’t be held onto .

    If we go ahead and try and get over this, it’ll always be in the back of my mind that if i slip up again amn’t what she wants she will cheat again. I know we should have got counseling before but we thought we could go it alone and now here we are .
    I feel like I would love to gut this asshole like a fish but realize it takes two . M
    y wife is just as much to blame as him . She even admitted she didn’t think of me or our little girl . That all she wanted was excitement & fun . I said yeah of course this guy could give her excitement and fun because he didn’t have all the everyday worries i have . If i just went and screwed someone i could make it fun & exciting because i wouldn’t give a fuck about her only screw her . I could promise her the whole world and listen to all her worries & bullshit her that everything would fine that the whole world is fine and easy but it’s not . Being married with a kid n bills is not easy and not fun . It takes all the excitement carefree feeling from life .

    Right now I’m not sure where we go . If we can come back from this . I’m here typing this and she is at her parents. Just not ready to sit and talk everything over with her . Guess only time will tell .

  63. Mark says:

    Hi,
    I guess, like so many others, I came to this site to try and find answers, or at least ways or strategies to help stop the pain. I’m afraid I haven’t found them.
    My wife, who I love very much has been cheating. Several times. At least this time when confronted she admitted to it; although only to a very limited number of encounters it did help. But knowing it went on much longer, much longer only puts another wall in front of our ever being able to stay together.
    STAY TOGETHER; or not, that’s what I need help with! And it’s the one thing no one else can help me decide. I love her so much, but if we tried again I know the suspicious devils that have been whispering in my ear would return with a vengence and fuck things up for both of us. I have behaved terribly since finding out and though not proud of my behaviour I know I would do it again the moment I became suspicious. We deserve better than that. She deserves better than that. What we all seem to forget is that things must have been pretty awful for a good person to do this. And she is a good person. I must accept some responsibility, but yet all I want to do is punish her; make her feel the same pain I have. And that is enough to drive a wedge through the best relationship, let alone one as shaky as ours. I MUST LEAVE, for both our sakes. But it is so bloody difficult to know that there will ever be happiness in my life, ever again! Guys, I’d love to give you all the sordid details, and it would help me to do it; for a while. No one can decide for us. And I think learning to trust our instincts and feelings is the first step. At the moment I can think of a thousand reasons to stay; she’s funny, beautiful, loves to dance and have fun…..etc. But only one reason to go, but it’s a hell of a reason. HELP thanks for being there Mark

  64. Blindsided66 says:

    I found out that when wife was out of town for a week that she met a complete stranger at a bar and three days later stayed at his place for four days. The whole time I thought she was being faithful, while I’m at home taking care of our 10-year-old son and working. This is not the first time that she cheated. Always believed her when this was a “fresh” start for us.

    What really gets me is all the opporunities she had to ask herself, “What am I doing?” It’s not like she met the guy and he said move in with me and she did. She had to get to know him, make plans to stay at his place, pack her bags, check out of the hotel, jump in his car and drive there, etc. – plenty of chances for her to stop and think about what she was doing.

    She had told me “sorry” a hundred times and as I told her, but she never told me once “why”. She said she doesn’t know why. I told her that if she doesn’t understand why, then how am I suppose to understand and begin to move forward?

    That’s the hardest part for me – not asking herself why she was doing what she did.

  65. Jerrod says:

    I am just suprised. I never new how unhappy she was nor did I think she would ever do this.

  66. Jerrod says:

    I am just suprised right now. I never thought she would

  67. Steven says:

    I just found out today and my heart is in a blender

  68. gregg says:

    Here ya go this one is wierd at least I think it is. This is happening right now. We both knew we were splitting up. But we still have been trying to make it work all of sudden I catch her texting someone and then find out she “dirty danced” with another guy just 2 weeks ago now that actually doesn’t bother me since we have pretty much grown detached from each other. But no matter how many times the opportunity has been put in front of me I can’t do it period. We have decided to put the D paperwork through mutually. I can’t help to feel betrayed and it hurts A LOT!!

  69. Pro says:

    God this is painful. Last Friday my fiance of 3 years told me that she wanted to break up with me. She didn’t give me a chance to talk at all either, she just said it’s over and that was the end of it, pretty much. The past weekend, I have done nothing other than trying to talk to her but all she keeps saying is that it’s not going to work anymore. Sunday night, I said fuck it, and gave up on the chance of trying to find out what’s going on. I convinced myself to stop trying to talk to her, or to get her back. I went to lay down in bed but couldn’t sleep. A couple hours later, she called me, and told me she wanted us to try again. Of course I gladly accepted..

    Yesterday, I started asking her questions about what all that was about. It turns out that she left me and screwed someone else, pretty much a person that replaced me. I asked her to go into it further, and it’s a person that she met just last week. She says she regrets it deeply and wants us to try again. Of course I love her very much and I can’t let go.. So I agreed. But it just keeps going through my head. She met a guy last week, left me on Friday to go screw him, then comes back to me Sunday. I don’t know what to do or think, I love her so much, and I do know she loves me deeply. We have been together again since Monday, so, since yesterday, but I can’t go on with this pain.. knowing that she spent time with someone else. It’s maddening. It’s driving me insane. I don’t know what to do or think anymore..

  70. Taylor says:

    Married for 30 years, found a video by mistake (looking for our daughters college basketball game) on my wife’s cell phone. My wife, the neighbours (really close friends), and another guy who I don’t know having a four-way . . . just great. I copied the video and played in the laptop with the volume turned-up so she could her it from the other room. She comes storming in accusing me of watching erotica which I’ve never done after we started dating. It took her awhile to figure out who it was on the screen, she then tells me it has been occurring regularly about once a month for the past 8 years or so.

    I’m ashamed that she did not open-up to me and express her sexual desires, here I was thinking and feeling we had a communicative and frank relationship. We could’ve talked about it, gone for therapy or even sexual counselling both as a couple and individually. The pain is unbearable the trust, shattered. I’ve no idea what my future looks like and it’s highly unlikely my wife will be part of it. She wants to continue having multiple partners. I still love her and likely always will in some capacity. I have to get my life back in order, I moved out got a dumpy apartment and currently trying to find a local support group. I’m really trying to focus on the future not the past, taking one day at a time.

  71. Mike Ingram says:

    Yep still having problems with it.

  72. Craig says:

    Found out about a month ago my wife has been cheating on me with a guy that she works with. I thought she was cheating on me and confronted her two difference times and she denied it both times. Confirmation finally came in a text from the a@@@@, when he said that he was madly in love with my wife. She finally came clean. Need your 7 common mistakes so I want or have made them. I appreciate your help.

  73. Lee says:

    I have also just recently had this happen again. This will be too many times to count almost. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar recently. I am devastated once again. We have been together for 10 years and I thought it was the women I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I feel that at this juncture I am bipolar. One part of me says I have to get out of this and do for me. The other doesn’t want to throw away 10 years and start all over again. I am constantly going to be insecure and always question everything she does now. I am at the point wheye I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m not the best husband but I work hard to support us as does she and I am a caring and loving person. I just don’t see how a human being can do this to someone, my heart actually physically hurts and it’s hard to not tear up finishing this jumbled comment. I thought guys were supposed to be the ones that couldn’t keep their dicks in their pants.

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