Reader’s Question

Dear Friend,

Almost every day I get guys writing in to me, asking me how to deal with a cheating spouse – specifically, their cheating wife.

When our spouse cheats, it creates the most difficult emotional experience we will ever face… in our ENTIRE lives. I know that pain. I’ve been there personally.

So if your spouse cheated – if your wife betrayed you – and your emotions are overwhelming, but you still love your wife and you want to save your marriage if you can, then you’re in the right place.

My name is Kevin Jackson and I help guys like you every day.

Here’s what one guy recently wrote to me:

=========== QUESTION FROM A READER ===========

Hi Kevin,

I am really just a dam diaster right now, my entire world has just crumbled with in the last 2 weeks after 20 years, my intuitions un-fortunately were totally correct and I’m trying to find the stregenth to stay cool, calm and collected (Boy is that a mouthful). I am just in total shock and complete dispair that she could do this to me.

I look forward to reading your book, I hope it can help me.

I really have no close friends to talk to, or would I ever want any of them to look at my wife that way, maybe a shrink I don’t know right now my thoughts are just a scatered flippin mess. I am definately a super pleaser to my own discust, but the guilt finally got her to come clean, it’s got to be tough to look at someone straight in the face knowing the bullshit you have been doing behind my back.

Anyway,

Thanks for your response,
Cliff

=========== MY RESPONSE ===========

Hey Cliff,

Couple of things…

First off, nice job trying to keep your cool and not do something you’ll later regret… but it’s also super important to give yourself permission to GRIEVE.

As I say in my book, there’s nothing shameful about getting a good cry in.

I remember when I was going through my dark times, one day I walked into my therapist’s office, sat on the couch, and yes, I must say I shed a tear or two (or ten!).

It was actually a good thing.

A bad thing is stuffing down your emotions. That can drive you INSANE. Instead, when the time is right, let your feeling flow.

(Women are obviously better than this than men – they’re naturals. Experts suggest this is one reason why women have less stress related heart disease than men – it’s because women relieve their stress through their tears.)

Next, you’re doing a great job learning more about yourself through this process. You’ve already learned that you have a pattern of “Pleasing.” I talk a lot about this in my eBook.

But watch out for judging yourself so harshly that you “disgust” yourself. Millions of married guys have a history of Pleasing too much – myself included. You’re in good company… lol… so don’t get too down on yourself.

You also said it must be hard for her to look you in the face after doing what she did. This is called having “empathy” for your wife, and it’s a big step in the right direction, so good job.

When a man who has been betrayed by his wife can see things from her perspective and even have compassion for what SHE is going through, it helps her be less defensive… which in turn helps us get to the bottom of things, get compassion and remorse from her, etc. In other words…
IT HELPS US GET WHAT WE WANT.

Just make sure you balance your empathy for your wife with empathy for YOURSELF… and make sure she’s giving you empathy as well. Her infidelity sure as hell shouldn’t be all about HER feelings and how bad she feels now.

Don’t let her twist things around on you. Many women try.

Good luck.

– Kevin Jackson