By Kevin Jackson, Author of Survive Her Affair
When men (and women for that matter) get cheated on, one of the most burning questions we have is “why – why – WHY????” And for good reason – the better we can understand the reasons for the cheating, the more quickly our mind will rest from the constant obsessing and analyzing that 99% of men experience.
Through my own research and experience helping thousands of men over the past 6 years recover from getting cheated on, I’ve identified 7 reasons women cheat.
Getting some degree of “closure” on what lead to the affair helps us make sense of what happened – and makes it less likely it’ll ever happen again (thank God).
There Are Multiple Factors To Look At…
Let’s say you’re having an argument with your wife about you leaving the toilet seat up. If she asks why you keep leaving the seat up, your brain will quickly come up with a single reason.
“Because it was the middle of the night.”
“Because I didn’t know it was important to you.”
“Because I’m a man and that’s what men do for Pete’s sake!”
But the fact is we do most of the things we do for MULTIPLE reasons.
In the example above, maybe it was partly due to it being late… and partly not realizing what it meant to your wife to leave the seat up.
In the same way, it’s likely that a number of factors contributed to your wife’s affair. Learning what they all are helps you put the puzzle pieces together.
The Reasons Don’t Let Her Off The Hook (Here’s Why…)
Investigating the reasons for her affair doesn’t “excuse away” what happened. It just helps you understand the factors leading up to it.
And while there may be many reasons we can point to for your wife’s affair… in the end it really boils down to one thing:
She had an affair because she chose to.
Humans have free will and can choose to do things that hurt other people. That’s part of how free will works. If we weren’t free to hurt others… well, we wouldn’t be free.
But we have to go beyond the simple “choice” of her affair if we want to deepen our understanding of what happened – and get a better picture of what makes our wife tick.
When we do we’ll know the feelings that influenced her – but didn’t force her – to make such an awful choice.
Here we go…
7 Reasons Women Cheat
1. Positive mirroring is a psychological term to describe what happens at the beginning of a relationship when both parties see nothing but the positive in each other. The other man often reflects back a positive image of the wife through compliments and by telling her what she wants to hear. Positive mirroring typically drops off in a long-term relationship. So to “cheat proof” your marriage (if you stay together) remember to take some time to be a positive mirror. Make the effort to point out something you like, admire or appreciate about her on a regular basis.
2. Unmet emotional needs, according to researchers, are a stronger motivational factor for women who cheat than for men. If she makes an emotional connection with another man, AND she’s unhappy in her marriage with you, she’s ripe for an affair. Topping women’s emotional needs is the need to be appreciated. Again, the solution is to make your wife feel appreciated. If you don’t know how to do this, simply ask her and have a conversation about how to better meet her emotional needs. (Talk about what needs you have that you want her to meet too.)
3. “The Good Husband Trap” refers to men who try too hard to keep their wives happy. Super common – in fact I did this myself. This is a counter-intuitive concept, but trying too hard in the marriage can spoil your wife… and in some cases make an affair more likely. Instead, cultivate a give-and-take relationship where each partner is on equal footing, rather than a lop-sided relationship.
4. Trading status for approval is when a man continually caves into his wife’s demands in order to win her approval. Rather than standing up for himself in an argument, for example, he always lets her have her way. This ultimately results in the wife having higher status in the relationship, and ironically, it tends to lead to her losing sexual attraction for the husband. Respect is an essential component for sexual attraction. Women tend to lose attraction for men they see as below them or emotionally submissive.
5. Unrealistic expectations of marriage can lead to women longing for a fairy-tale version of marriage. In turn, the wife who has an affair will blame her own bad behavior on her husband for failing to live up to her unrealistic expectations. Crazy but true.
6. Boundaries are agreed-upon rules of marriage about what is OK for you and your wife to do. It’s important to discuss and to mutually establish rules related to social media, eating and drinking in mixed company, work trips and talking to members of the opposite sex. Very few couples do this before and affair happens.
7. Sexual connection and fulfillment do factor into affairs, although for women emotional reasons tend to predominate. The lesson, of course, is to make your wife’s sexual pleasure a priority. Make sure she’s happy and listen for any unmet needs she might have.
Again, these factors can help you understand what led to the affair – but ultimately your wife chose to have an affair. She’s responsible for her behavior.
Your Next Step…
Understanding why our wife betrayed us is an important step – but there’s more. A lot more…
In my experience of helping thousands of men over the past 6 years survive infidelity, I’ve identified 7 common mistakes most guys make when dealing with an affair.
These mistakes make our situation even WORSE than it needs to be. Avoiding them is critical to speeding up our healing process. (And I know you want to get out of the pain asap.)
So I put together a free guide for you called “The 7 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Our Wife Cheats.”
It’ll get you on the path to getting your life back to normal as quickly as possible.
Thousands of men have downloaded this guide. It’s helped them and I believe it can help you. Just click the red button below and enter your email:
– Kevin Jackson, Author of Survive Her Affair
“I read your 7 mistakes. I just wanted to thank you for putting that on the internet. I feel better and I know I have a roller coaster ride though hell. I know I will be stronger once I pass hell and turn into a stronger person. Thank you again. You are a good man to help people after what you went through.” – Bill, Australia