How Men Successfully Get Past Infidelity

Success breeds success. We’ve all heard it before – but it’s true. You want to be successful? Study what successful men do. So let’s take a moment and see what men who successfully get past their wife’s affair all have in common…

 

#1: Successful Men Don’t Blame Themselves

Of course it’s easy at first to start blaming ourselves for our wife cheating. We see we could lose a few pounds, or that we’re not flying around in a private jet, or maybe we don’t “understand” women as much as we’d like, and we start thinking our shortcomings caused the affair.

Successful men may dabble in this negative thinking, but then they get the hell out of there. Self-blaming is no where to live your mental life – all it will do is flush your self-esteem right down the toilet.

Not only is it not good for you – but it’s simple not true that your shortcomings caused the affair.

I know this because there are at least 3 specific things your wife could have done instead of stabbing you in the back:

1) She could have told you she had unmet needs in the marriage so you could adjust your behavior to meet her needs – or she could have told you she was beginning to get attracted to someone else before anything sexual happened.

2) She could have suggested to go to couples counseling to “talk it out” and work on the relationship together with you.

3) She could have left you before she started sleeping with someone else.

Bottomline: While us guys need to recognize ways we can improve as husbands, our imperfections didn’t cause her to cheat. That was her choice.

#2: Successful Men Demand Transparency

When someone cheats, the knee jerk reaction is for them to lie to cover it up and withhold facts from their partner that could make things worse.

But men who successfully get past affairs don’t fall for this – at least not for too long. They communicate firmly that for the relationship to heal the woman has to be completely transparent about what happened during the affair and what’s happening now.

That means her answering every question you have about the affair, and giving you complete access to her phone, email, and online accounts – so you can verify she’s not still cheating.

This is a huge step in her earning back your trust – and that’s vital to getting past it all.

#3: They Require A Clean Cut

One of the most heartbreakingly common stories I hear from men is they think their marriage is past the affair – they they find out their wife is STILL SEEING the other guy behind their back.

Listen, when someone cheats they are in an “attraction fog” that leads them to do all sorts of bad, selfish things they’d never do otherwise. Like lie to you over and over, and even tell you the affair is kaputz…. when really it’s just continues without you being wise to it.

Successful men REQUIRE a clean cut. That means witnessing their wife either emailing, calling, or telling the other guy to his face that things are done and he’s never to contact her again.

Taking her word for it doesn’t cut it – you have to see it with your own two eyes.

And… you need to check her phone and email for awhile. No you’re not being “jealous” – you’re being smart. She should be okay with that. If she’s not it’s a warning sign that she’s either still cheating or she’s become a selfish person. And you deserve better.

#4: They Don’t Let Their Life Spin Out Of Control

In my situation, I was so obsessed and distracted with her relationship with the other guy that I wasn’t paying attention when I was on my mountain bike – and ended up getting into an accident that sent to me to the hospital and broke my collarbone.

(I’m a bit of an athlete and have had plenty of broken bones, bruises, etc. – but that collarbone was by far the most painful.)

Here’s my point – it’s easy to let the affair lead to other really crappy events in your life. For example, you punch the other guy in the face, get arrested for battery, and now you have a record that prevents you from getting that job you’ve had your eye on.

Or you drown your sorrows at the local dive bar, get in your car and get busted with a DUI. Now you can’t drive to work, so you lose your job… etc.

Successful guys don’t make stupid decisions that make their life worse. It’s hard to keep on the straight and narrow when your emotions are all over the place – but be smart, stay focused, and avoid poor decision making.

That’s a big part of your road to successfully getting through this.

– Kevin Jackson

PS: The most important thing you can do right now is download a free copy of my special report “The 7 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Your Wife Cheats.” Avoiding these mistakes is half the battle to getting your life back and feeling like your old confident self again.

Just click the button below and claim your copy now:


Kevin Jackson is an internationally recognized infidelity expert who, after being betrayed himself, has gone on to help thousands of men recover when their wife had an affair. He’s been featured in popular news outlets such as The Huffington Post and Bloomberg Businessweek, and he is the creator of a proven 4-step approach that gives men the “blueprint” to successfully heal from infidelity. If your wife cheated on you and you want to recover as quickly as possible, grab his free report “The 7 Deadly Mistakes Men Make When Women Cheat” or his powerful eBook system “Survive Her Affair.” He’s available for interviews and speaking engagements.

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8 Responses to How Men Successfully Get Past Infidelity

  1. Jason Bailey says:

    Your website and emails have been very helpful to me. Unfortunately my wife is not in to helping me heal…and you have pointed out a few reasons why, and how I have made some mistakes that cause her to act in a defensive manner. It still sucks though.

    You could not have said it better than: “SURVIVE her affair”. Not “get over it”, or “get past it” or any of the other b.s. we hear. It’s survival for you sanity, your power, your self esteem and your life.

    Thank you.

  2. Sergio says:

    She just not came out with her infidelity. She said she loved him and that hurted her no to be with him, so I got a divorce.
    Now, suddenly, she left him and I’m the love of her life.
    Should I trust her?

  3. consuelo espinas says:

    I was accused of cheating on my husband but all the while he had a video relationship with other women and had underground plans ,he filed for divorce but never pursued it,it was a paper to show his women and the people around him that he is single,he left home, he left us ( me and the kids),he stopped communication with us,he failed to support his kids,he lived with one woman for a few months and supported her instead,I was not aware until i saw pictures on facebook,but he denied it at first but poeple that we know had seen them in public alot of times,a friend confirmed that he had financially supported this woman for a while by sending money across the continent,he left that womans home because he probably cant support her needs, or he was cheated on,he befriended me again and because he needed help in his every day life ,pay rent,pay his vehicle,pay his utilites,basically provided for him for survival,I provided him with his expensive daily medication maintenance,I believed he had changed,but when he came back to us and stayed for 6 wks,i had the feeling he still was hiding something from me and I was not wrong,i found emails from his 3 women and him promising them a future,promising them that he was going back to them becuase he loves them more than me,each of this women was not aware that ther was 3 of them on top of me the legal wife. He asked for forgiveness for what he did but he left us again and for me to find out when i visited him un announced ,he was still playing around and was dependent on this woman on what she sends her for his daily needs,i found out he was still hook on drugs ,and gambling. i found pictures of them two hugging,i found pictures of them at the same hotel we check in ,i get notices that he was with the woman in public,with so much love and belief on him I gave him another chance ,comtinued supporting him,he promised us his family he was coming for the holidays but now he claims he is not healed from the accused cheating that i did to him,He is depriving me of my friends,he is depriving me to see him in my home town ,he claims that he has a phobic relationship,he is very erratic and when caught in a corner i get to be blamed,that i am forcing him and dictating him on what to do,he claims he cant swallow the fact that people can see me with him and that people talk about him taking me back after he vomited me out.everytime i try to fight back he tells me that i am the cause of the fuck up and yet i have to be aggressive….so what do you call this kind of person? a sociopath? a person with phobic commitment or is he still cheating ? or is it just plainly looking for his healing as he always tell me.I assume he has told you his life story against me because he sent me an email from you ,how can he heal if his mind is so disturbed with all these generalized women cheating advices he gets,now pls tell me how i can get over this sitaution,or how do you gauge this kind of behavior?

  4. Brad says:

    Hi Kevin, I discovered my wifes 4 month affair on new years eve when I hacked a prepaid mobile I found hidden in my study. Once confronted she admitted it and then she revealed there was another short one 2 years ago, which I suspected at the time but was assured I was being paranoid. We have been married for 13 years with 2 beautiful daughters 8 and 11.
    She had breast cancer shortly before the first one and had a double mastectomy. She says she was so lacking in self esteem and I wasn’t there for support ( I thought I was) that the first sign of interest enticed her into it without thinking. A sleazy prick from the kids school. She spent the next 18 months feeling guilty about it and subsequently built a wall between us, making me frustrated and angry. Then along came this joker with all those lines and compliments about her, she was so low and alone she was at it again.
    We are still living together although it is really tough, she doesn’t know what she wants and I can honestly say Im the same. We discussed the affair details but still have a ways to go, and have also spoken in depth about what was wrong in our relationship that made her think this was the best option. We are probably a lot more understanding and open than we have ever been and I can see a few unfortunate events started the downhill slide. As we all know once you started sliding its hard to pull up. I am hoping she gets past the resentment and guilt she feels and the same with me and the affair but it seems so far off I often wonder if its worth it. I still love her very much and feel I can get past it, she is not as certain so its almost in limbo until she can work out what she wants. Anyways, I purchased your ebook and it has been a god send and a point of reference for the last 2 months so keep it up. I just have to disagree with access to the mobile, I have access to all the electronics, as I am an IT Consultant I can hack thru most things. But I cant see the sense in putting our faith in the phone, in this day and age you can pick up a spare for $20, which is what she did to hide this all from me. So I realise and agree with the transparency thing and all the other points are necessary but I think the phone is a bit pointless. She still shows me it if I want to see it but lets face it there could be a secret one so what’s the point. Thanks again.

  5. Justin says:

    I feel like I should forgive her. It was once, she said she didn’t love him, I even confronted him and found out he wanted to call it quits as he was looking to getting into a seriously relationship with some other girl, which DID hurt my wifes feelings – sort of showing that some emotional attachment mustve been there. The article points out three things she could have done instead of cheating and (other than moving out) she actually DID those thing, she repeated asked for counciling and repeatedly tried to tell me her needs were going unmet. She went on to say she even slept with him because he reminded her of me!

    I was unsure about how I should react, but everything im seeing tells me I had a large part to play, and though the cheating itself is absolutely not my fault I still had the responsibility to listen and react to her needs and I dropped the ball over and over again and she spent months trying to tell me before a single one night stand. I feel bad others have gone through so much more, I felt a taste of what it must be like to have someone really pull away for good and to even continue the affair and feel lucky my own experience is so mild compared to some.

  6. EB says:

    I have been married for over 19 years. I met my wife in college, and like many youth romances, we ended up marrying after five years of dating. Unfortunately, life after marriage was nowhere like life before, and we soon found ourselves drifting apart. The need to resolve this drift caused us to clash even more, but we continued to hold on to each other. We figured that migrating to the US would change our perspective, but that did not happen. My wife (and I supported her at that time) wanted to have kids as a way to channel her emotional needs, but eventually the kids outgrew her emotional needs too. The net net of our marriage that it progressively became broken, and was only held together by cultural tape, and our mutual commitment to the kids. I must mention that I was always the passive parent, but I made up for that by running the house.

    Early last year, the wife of our friend (we used to be family friends) discovered that my wife had been having an affair with him for over 4 years. While his wife took a very drastic stand (forcing him to end everything right away), I took a very calm and understanding view. Part of the reason for my view was initially my wife lied to me saying that they were “just good friends” – this forced me to view this situation from the lens of an understanding husband who saw this unfulfilled emotional need in my wife that went unattended (I blamed myself for this situation). She eventually “drip-fed” me on her real feelings for him, but kept insisting that it was not an “affair”, and that in the long run it was not meant to last.

    In spite of my gentle nudges to my wife to end this affair (she did exhibit remorse that made this possible), it continued. Her reason for asking for more time was that she wanted to end this is a humane way possible. Meanwhile things had deteriorated completely on her “lover’s” side, and he kept getting more and more insecure and desperately wanted to cling on to my wife. She now says she tried to wean him off of her (there is some truth to it), but in the end was unsuccessful. Meanwhile, my wife and I tried our best to get back on track – I put my heart and soul into rescuing our marriage with the hope that our efforts would eventually supersede her extra-marital relationship. In fairness, she tried too – or at least gave me an opportunity to get closer to her again.

    Then a few weeks ago, I discovered that the affair had not ended – and in fact our “friend” had figured out different ways to contact her (like using a public payphone). When I confronted my wife, she said that in spite of all her efforts she could not end her affair (she blames herself for it), and that she wanted to explore the possibility of a separation so she could figure out her options (one of which was going with him if his divorce finally happened). She also told me that she needed another year to figure out what she wanted to do. Two days ago, I discovered love letters exchanged between him and her, reading which I finally gained much needed clarity on how deeply my wife is attached to her “friend” – and the kind of commitments they made to each other to wean off their respective spouses and eventually get together as a couple. I confronted my wife again, but this time I told her I could not wait for another year, and that she had to decide right away what she wanted to do. She finally acknowledged that she tried to wean off of him, but could not – and now the inevitable is upon us.

    We are now planning a formal separation that includes my wife moving out of the house into an apartment. We have talked about how this will give her the clarity to figure out what she wants to do: Get with him (assuming their divorce goes through), Live independently, or decide that her kids and I are the right family for her. As soon as she figures out her option, we can file for divorce if that is the logical next step. She wants me to be the primary caretaker of my kids, and believes that me bonding with the kids after we disclose the news of our separation to them will help me put this behind me.

    In spite of everything my wife has done and is doing, I don’t have any ill feelings towards her. I feel for her trauma, and I wish her to be happy whether it is with this new person in her life, as a single woman or back with us, if that what she chooses to do. After hearing you, I feel that a core foundation of the moving on process for me will be that of a single parent. I believe our kids will benefit from the emotionally stronger of the two parents being their primary caretaker. I have also got this extra bit of responsibility in ensuring that our kids still feel love and respect for their mother (especially our older kid who is in high school), in spite of their initial shock when they find out that she is the one leaving them. This shock could get even more compounded when they find out that she is moving in with another man. Another core component of moving on for me is to transition my relationship with my wife from a husband to a friend – someone who shares a permanent bond with me because of the kids.

    My wife plans to move out in a few months because her parents are visiting us, and we figured that for the sake of our kids (they get to meet them once every 2-3 years because they live overseas), it is important that we not cancel their trip. Since we live in a small house, we have agreed to “emotionally and physically” separate for now, even though we still share a bed – if you know what I mean.

    I am still far from getting over this – in fact the journey just started. I am lonely and unlike my wife who has plenty of friends, I don’t have anyone to share my state of mind. I am worried that talking to any of my not-so-close friends on this topic may make them wonder why I suddenly called them up to unload a big emotional bomb. For now, I plan to listen to your book over and over again, and perhaps try and join a support group if I can find one.

    In this process, I also keep telling my wife to be careful. Upon reading literature and listening to you, I tell her about how extra-marital romances are fraught with mines, that can make that union, if it happens, a risky one. But I guess love is blind, and your heart gets fonder of who you cannot meat every day, to quote you. She says she knows and understands all of this, but I know it is because she sees my opinions as biased.

    Since I am still living with my wife, I want to be respectful of her, and ensure that my future is not sealed because of my actions. You see, I still hold out hope that better sense will prevail upon her and she will decide that the kids and I are her future – not this other man. I still love her and always will. Can you blame me?

    I feel lost…and in spite of being a strong person, I feel weak and helpless at times. Perhaps my kids will show me the way forward.

    • Kai says:

      I dont mean to be cruel but you sound the wife writing this to clear her emotions and guilt or vent,

      no man is this calm at the level of disrespect and blatant use of him, im sorry but I just dont buy it

      I have been disrespected more times than I can count but even I at my calmest will acknowledge that I will be angry and pissed off at some point, there is no way I can be melancholy all the time

  7. sarah says:

    I absolutely trust my wife. We have an agreement: Respect the privacy of each other. The agreement has been observed for 9 years and we became the pattern of a“civilized and modern” couple for everyone. Suddenly, her colleague whispered: “Yesterday I saw Jannet getting cross my boarding house”. I retorted : “Maybe something wrong. There is nothing to do there. Anyway, she visited maternal grandparents yesterday.

    Jannet told me that the previous afternoon she had visited grandparents to have dinner because her aunt overseas came back home. At around 12 o’clock, she telephoned me and said that she was very happy with her mother. One day, my daughter called me and said that: “Why don’t you pick up me? Everyone came home”. It was over 18h. I was startled. This day was the turn of my wife and she had never forgot that. From that day I suspected that my wife had an affair and I sneaked to install the cell phone spy call recording on her phone.

    A few days later, I checked the call history through software cell phone tracking and I noticed there phone number with many calls and with a very strange name “chess friend”. I saw 3 messages of the “chess friend” with the content: “ I’m happy to play chess with you”, “ Play chess with me if you’re free this afternoon”, “I want to play chess with you”.

    One day, I accidentally visited her parents on the day Jannet told me that she had lunch there. The result was that my wife was not there. My head was about to explode. It could be affirmed that my wife had an affair. Just thinking of the scene that Jannet and her lover were “playing chess”, I was going crazy. But then I thought of my two children, the honor of family and the later life after divorce … But how can I be happy if I continue to live with an unfaithful wife?
    And i know software ispyiphone.com/download

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